Miss Manners: Correcting meal trays in first class

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a major airline, where our first-class trays are preset and the flatware is wrapped in a napkin, already on the tray. If I place the tray down properly, the entree is closest to the customer, salad and bread are at the top of the tray, and the flatware roll-up is on the right.

This bugs me, because I believe etiquette dictates flatware should be on the left. Do I continue to badger the company and our caterers to place it on the left? Or, because it is rolled-up flatware and not a formal place setting, can it be casually placed on the right?

GENTLE READER: Continue badgering the company, although Miss Manners wonders if some airlines have not become immune to constructive criticism. You may also rearrange the flatware yourself before serving – assuming catering has not responded to your suggestions by shrink-wrapping the lot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a wonderful man for a while, but he has the unfortunate habits of loudly chewing with his mouth open and not covering his mouth when sneezing.

When I first noticed his chewing, before I could think of how to tactfully say anything, he offered up a story about how his unpleasant stepmother used to embarrass him in public by telling him to chew with his mouth shut, and how it has given him great anxiety, and how traumatic it was to have it called to everyone’s attention. He said he did it because he had trouble breathing due to allergies.

When he has repeated this behavior, I eventually tried asking if his allergies were bothering him, instead of directly mentioning that his mouth was open, but he always said no and continued to masticate clamorously.

As he has intense anxiety issues in other areas, I am afraid to bluntly discuss the issue after the story about his stepmother. I’ve also noticed he sneezes without covering his mouth or nose, which I find quite disgusting. When he did so in a closed car with me, I directly asked him to please cover his mouth when he sneezed, to which he replied he hadn’t had time, but he has continued the behavior both indoors and out.

I’ve repeated the request, and he has pretended he didn’t hear me. Otherwise he is quite clean, but is there any way to salvage these manners?

GENTLE READER: Your boyfriend knows his behavior is unpleasant, indefensible – and that it bothers you. This puts you, who do not wish to hurt his feelings, in an uncomfortable situation. Yet rather than help you out, he has added a new obstacle: If you raise the topic, you are told you will be equated with a stepmother who traumatized him.

Miss Manners might agree that this behavior is, under the correct use of the word, awesome, but not that it is wonderful. Fortunately, it is also inept. Express horror that his stepmother would have corrected his behavior in public, but understanding that she was trying to protect him from the revulsion many people have to such behavior. You would never publicly embarrass him, but you care about him too deeply not to say anything in private.