Miss Manners: How to respond to ‘phone shamers’

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I do not own a smartphone. I have many good reasons why I want to keep it that way.

Apparently, it is now considered socially acceptable to “phone shame” people, i.e., to make unsolicited, borderline-insulting comments about “joining the 21st century,” “evolving beyond stone knives and bearskins” and other similarly maladroit attempts at cleverness.

What is your suggestion for a firm and polite response that has just the right degree of iciness to point out the inappropriateness of the comment?

GENTLE READER: “I want to be able to remain fully attentive for conversations such as these.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a classic coffee addict, drinking two or three cups per day. My standard for quality coffee is not exceptionally high, but my brother buys truly terrible stuff. He is cost-conscious and buys bottom-of-the-barrel cheap coffee. He also usually has presweetened artificial creamer. I prefer a glug of plain ol’ half-and-half.

When visiting him (I usually stay for several days), I would like to bring my own provisions. How can I do this without offending? Should I be honest and tell him his coffee is pretty bad? We are close enough that it would not be detrimental to our relationship. Should I ask him to excuse my pickiness? Or should I bring some fancy, locally roasted, high-end coffee as a “gift”?

GENTLE READER: Since this is your brother, you may do any combination of those suggestions, as long as you do it with good humor and respect. It is his house, and he may love the coffee he chooses.

Blaming it on your own pickiness, even if it is a ruse, may be the best course. If, however, this brings up old sibling rivalries, references to “The Odd Couple” or childish monikers (e.g., “ol’ Fancy Pants with that $10 coffee”), kindly do not blame Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was hospitalized and had a spinal tap, my boyfriend of over a year did not come to visit me a single time. After I was well enough to inquire as to his absence, he told me he did not come to visit me when I was ill because he was not invited. This is very odd to me, as we have a relationship that has never required an invitation to see each other before. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: While having no idea how serious you and your beau are after one year, Miss Manners suspects that to him, this may have been one of those pivotal points in the relationship where he was not sure where he stood. Either that or he is terrified of needles.

Before delving into more repercussive territory, Miss Manners recommends you start by assuming the latter. If the relationship otherwise gets more serious, you may help him to see the importance of being present during serious situations – and getting over any phobias, physical or otherwise, that would inhibit that.