Miss Manners 9/4
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died by suicide. It has been an unbearable tragedy. Generally, I have not kept his cause of death a secret. If I have to tell a close friend, I will tell them that he took his own life. If I have to tell a business acquaintance, I’m more likely to say he died unexpectedly. In general, I don’t tell anyone the morbid details.
I recently saw an acquaintance who I’ve been friendly with, and whom I only see once or twice a month. I hadn’t seen her since this occurred. She made a small innocent joke about my husband. I paused for a moment and said, “You couldn’t have known this, but he died.” She was of course shocked, and said, “Are you kidding me?” I assured her I wasn’t and she was very apologetic.
I felt terrible, and I think she felt terrible, too. There truly wasn’t any way she could have known. But I didn’t feel that it was fair not to say something.
I’m writing to ask how I might have better handled the situation. How and when should I inform people about the situation in a considerate way?
GENTLE READER: Was there no obituary? These are helpful in spreading the news, but so are close relatives or friends. But for anyone who still did not hear about it, Miss Manners finds your wording extremely tactful. Your friend asking if this devastating news was somehow a joke, however, was not.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live on a short cul-de-sac of six homes that is nestled within a larger neighborhood. My husband and I take walks several times a day.
During many of our evening walks, we see a young family with two children: One is in a stroller, and the other is about 4 or 5. On several occasions, we have walked down the cul-de-sac to our home to find this couple and their child playing basketball on the hoop that is set up outside on the street.
These people do not live on this street and, to my knowledge, are not friendly with anyone who does. Am I being irritated for no reason, or is this rude behavior?
They seem nice, but I just can’t believe that they actually bring a basketball on their walks so that they can play with someone else’s equipment. I guess I thought that’s what public playgrounds and parks were for.
GENTLE READER: Strike up a conversation – then they will no longer be strangers. In the current climate, Miss Manners is inclined to be indulgent about sharing even semi-public facilities, when options are so limited. As long as the family is respectful of the equipment and cleans up after themselves, it would be kind to let them use it without fuss. If it becomes the site for a birthday party or family reunion, however, you may politely step in and inform them that it is private property.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We bought a tabletop patio heater for a friend. Should we assemble it before we give it to them, or leave it in the box?
GENTLE READER: The latter. It is much harder to return the assembled version if you find that your friend prefers the tabletop cold.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.