The name of your column makes me feel like I can just say this: I like to get high and do kinky stuff with my primary partner. Weed heightens all the sensations. A lot of people say it’s not OK to get high for sex, so I don’t feel comfortable bringing this up in a public forum. Is ‘playing while high’ actually dangerous? My partner and I have been together for 12 years and we know each other’s signals well. (I’m a sub if that’s relevant.)
BLUNT: You’ve come to the right place; you’re unlikely to find anyone more kink-and-cannabis positive than moi!
However, one of my soapboxes is that cannabis is not without risk, and we as advocates have to be up-front about the hazards of our beloved plant if we want people to listen open-mindedly about its benefits.
While compared to almost every other bioactive substance cannabis is incredibly safe and well-tolerated, low relative risk means there’s still risk. There are a small number of contexts where cannabis can be dangerous, and you have found one of them. Altering your consciousness always complicates safety and consent assessments – but that doesn’t make it inherently unethical.
Like all the choices we make, sexual risk tolerance exists on a spectrum and adult humans can consent to the cost-benefit balance that works for them. There are also things you can do to decrease you and your partners’ physical and emotional risk significantly.
I reached out to my friend and longtime collaborator Mistress Matisse, a veteran pro-Domme, author, and founder of the cannabis personal lubricant Velvet Swing, for her insight. She stresses the importance of choosing appropriate activities with your cannabis.
“I really enjoy combining some types of kink with cannabis! It’s important not to choose an activity in which you need quick reflexes or a lot of safety protocols, but for example, having your feet kissed and worshipped while you’re high? Feels amazing!” said Matisse.
When playing high, your Dom(me)’s job is to maintain enough awareness of your signals to keep the scene flowing safely. As a sub, your job is to communicate as clearly as possible.
“For someone who is the submissive, a little weed can be a fun thing too! It’s important that you have good communication and trust, and that you are certain that you can give meaningful consent,” she said.
You didn’t mention your preferred consumption method, but smoking, vaping, and sublinguals are going to be the safest choices, especially for less experienced players. Edibles are by far the riskiest; the lengthy onset time coupled with a tendency to make verbal communication harder can be a bad combo for ongoing consent.
I’m fond of saying the antidote to risk is intentionality. That means everything you do, you do on purpose. It means brave conversations, conscientious choices, layers of safety protocols, and also naming and accepting the range of things that could go wrong. Everyone involved in your scene needs to know who is high, on what, which activities are expected, and what will happen if someone’s consent status changes. Don’t take your longterm partner’s signals for granted; always be actively seeking their feedback in ways that are appropriate to the vibe you’re creating.
For you and any other readers who want to heighten your kink with cannabis, here are some best practices:
• Try everything out on yourself before you use it with a partner.
• Discuss and decide on nonverbal signals for “yes, more of that,” “too intense,” and “stop right now!,” such as hand squeezes. Ongoing consent must be both clearer and more nuanced than a safe word. There should be lots of steps before it comes to that.
• Avoid anything that requires deep concentration or lightning-fast reaction time.
• Fill out a Yes-No-Maybe list with your partner(s). This could be a big list of possible kinky activities, with space to indicate whether you almost always like something, sometimes like it/might be open to trying it, or aren’t at all interested in it. Don’t do anything from the Maybe column when you’re high.
If you choose to incorporate cannabis into your sex life, make sure you are comfortable having an open, direct conversation about it with your partner(s) first. One of the best things the vanilla community could stand to learn from kinksters is the practice of talking out loud about safety, expectations, likes and dislikes – before things get hot.
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