The Full Suburban: Visiting Disney World – the most humid place on Earth
Are you a modern woman who likes to look and feel your best no matter where you are? Do you feel like your beauty routine could use a little reboot, but you’re not sure where to start? If you answered yes to either of these questions, look no further than balmy, breezy, 900% humidity Orlando, Fla., home to the most magical place on earth: Disney World.
My family recently had the opportunity to visit this happiest of all places, and I gained a treasure trove’s worth of knowledge about how a classy lady can keep the glamor level high while still enjoying all the delights Disney World has to offer.
Like paying for overpriced stuffed animals, sitting on wet roller coaster seats and losing your will to live while standing in a socially distanced line that stretches as far as the eye can see. I think we can all agree that a woman never looks more beautiful than after she has dragged six kids through a theme park for 12 hours.
So, let’s start off with the most obvious beauty tip I can give you, which is: hair. If you have straight hair, you lucky ducks, this tip will not apply to you. But if you have naturally curly hair, like two of my kids and I have, then you’re going to want to pay attention to the following equation:
Take the worst haircut you’ve ever received, multiply it by a thousand, and then double it, and you’ve got a pretty good idea of how your hair is going to look through the duration of your stay in glorious, tropical Florida.
My youngest daughter’s naturally curly hair had to be manually patted down by Orlando airport security at the end of our stay just to make sure there weren’t any weapons hiding in there. That should give you an idea of the delights that await the curly headed among you. Enjoy!
But now, let’s get on to a more universal beauty tip: makeup. To those of us used to the relatively dry climate of Eastern Washington, Florida’s delightfully humid atmosphere can at first feel like a suffocating wet sock being pulled over our entire body.
Don’t worry! Your skin will eventually adjust to the new climate, and within five to 10 years, your makeup will stay put instead of sliding right off your face like a frog on a window. Until then, it’s best to stick with little to no makeup.
Pull up your mask a little higher over your face, embrace the fact that you’re going to look like a fun-house version of your grandmother for a few days, and move onto the next beauty concern: weight control. Were you trying to slim down in the weeks before your vacation?
Well, hang onto your hats, ladies, because your waistline is about to get a real education by way of Churro University. Disney World has delightful treats and snacks at every turn, and a well-timed ice cream sandwich might at some point be the only thing standing between you and a Jekyll-and-Hyde situation.
Things like “vegetables” and “reasonable portions” do in fact exist at Disney World, but who wants to take the time to find them? Go for the churro and enjoy the sweaty glow it brings. You were made for this moment.
Finally, in the words of the adorable orphans in everyone’s favorite musical, “Annie”: You’re never fully dressed without a smile. So, smile, everyone!
You may have just carried your 6-year-old like a baby koala halfway across the park only to stand in line for 50 minutes before being told by that same 6-year-old that he has to go potty now, now, now, now, now right as you’re about to get on the ride, but just remember: A smile is an upside-down rainbow for your face.
And at the end of every rainbow is a quiet hotel room with air conditioning, a bed, your favorite book and your own bag of peanut butter M&Ms. So, hang in there, you beautiful women, and enjoy your day, week and month of feeling your absolute best.
Julia Ditto shares her life with her husband, six children and a random menagerie of farm animals in Spokane Valley. She can be reached at dittojulia@gmail.com.