Dear Kiantha: Friend’s trust broken, but not beyond repair

Dear Kiantha,

I have the same best friend since high school. We recently had our 30-year reunion. While hanging out with some of our classmates, my best friend confessed some things to me that she had lied about over the course of our friendship. My trust has been broken. I’m not sure how to move forward and wonder if I can ever trust her again.

Dear Best Friend,

In all transparency, broken trust has and will always be my Achilles’ heel. I am the kind of person who really values trust, loyalty and honesty so the gravity of your friend breaking your trust by having lied during your friendship for me is a major no-no.

I have cut friends off when I have learned of something they may have done that I deemed dishonest, disloyal or untrustworthy.

In hindsight, what I now know is that me cutting them off was a trauma response and a way of protecting myself from feeling hurt or being disappointed by them. Those closest to us are the ones we love the most but their proximity to our hearts can sometimes mean disappointment.

In some cases, ending the friendship was for the best, but most often, I’ve missed opportunities to demonstrate what loyalty and security within friendships looks like because I chose to cut them off.

Ask yourself, what was it that made your best friend feel it was unsafe for her to be honest with you at the time of the incidents? Were the things she admitted to lying about egregious in nature? Did she lie to protect herself?

While lying to a friend is never OK, neither is abandoning a friend due to a poor choice they made.

Friendships are complicated and sometimes messy. This is evident. What is also evident, however, is that you value this friendship enough to reach out and seek advice about it.

Your 30-plus year friendship is valuable. Your ability to have supported each other through the critical moments in life should not be overshadowed by inconsequential actions.

Have the conversation with her. Let her know that her lies, as minor as they may have been, created a real breach of trust for you and that will require some repair.

If she values you in the same way, she will understand and love you even more for your commitment to understanding things as she saw them and your continued investment in the friendship.

Your ability to see her beyond her mistakes can only strengthen your friendship for the next 30 years to come.

Soul to Soul,

Kiantha

Dear Kiantha can be read Fridays in The Spokesman-Review. To submit a question, please email DearKiantha@gmail.com.