Miss Manners: Grand-kitty can dine in darkness
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is currently ill, and I visit his house to help with his dog and cat.
The cat’s food dish is in the basement, kept separate from the dog’s dish in the kitchen. The cat often wants more food after dark, so I turn on the light in the basement to go fill her bowl.
My son asks me to turn off the light when I come back upstairs, even though the cat is still eating. He says she can see in the dark because there’s a little bit of light from the open door to the stairs. I feel it is rude to turn off the light while she is eating. What do you think?
GENTLE READER: You sent Miss Manners down a rabbit hole of research on cats’ ability to see in the dark. What she found is that it is limited – but still better than that of humans.
So while Miss Manners admires your instinct not to be rude to your feline friend, her humble opinion is that with the light coming from the open door, your son’s cat should be fine. More importantly, it is his house, his pet.
As a compromise, you might suggest a motion sensor – as long as you are sure it will not scare the kibble out of Frisky.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have any ideas for responding to someone who extends a non-apology (such as “I’m sorry you feel that way”)?
This type of apology can be manipulative; it would be helpful to have a retort that pierces the veneer of courtesy that’s being displayed.
Of course, odds are low that any response would move the speaker to genuine concern or remorse for the offense, but appearing to accept a fake apology only encourages more of the same, which is not ideal.
GENTLE READER: “And I’m sorry that you don’t understand my reason for feeling that way.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I visit my alma mater, I face the same issue each time. I usually can only visit for a short time, a few days at most, and I have particular people I need to see. I am still a recent-enough graduate that I also know some current students.
I always feel terrible, as if I should either hide my visit or overextend myself lest I hurt someone’s feelings. It is a small school in a small town, and the odds that I will be seen out and about are high. Furthermore, I don’t wish to sneak around – I wish to do the right thing.
It seems excessive to reach out to someone just to say I can’t catch up. Even if I did, I couldn’t possibly notify everyone who meant something to me. How should a grateful, kind person conduct herself without making excuses?
GENTLE READER: “I was hoping to run into you.”
This could be politely said to anyone who catches you out and about. For those who reprimand you retroactively, Miss Manners suggests: “It was such a short trip, but I hope I’ll see you the next time I’m in town” – whether or not your hope is likely to be realized.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.