Dear Annie: Regretting romantic reconciliation

Dear Annie: I’ve been married to my ex-husband for three years after 20 years of separation. Previously, I’d been seeing a man for almost a year who told me he was not looking for anything serious. At the time, I was fine with that because I wasn’t, or didn’t think I was, either.

My ex-husband came to town; we share a son who, by then, was grown. I thought it would be good for them to reconnect with his dad and for my ex to meet his grandchildren. As we visited and got reacquainted, we rekindled our relationship. He said all the right things, how he had loved me all this time and even though he had girlfriends over the years, he never loved them like me. We got married again after about a year.

My marriage is mediocre at best. My husband is a constant complainer; if it’s not about our son, who he didn’t help raise, or the constant bother of the grandkids, it’s the guys at work or the state of the nation. I find it easy to tune him out and would rather do things without than with him.

Through this time, I’ve kept in contact with my friend. I find him humorous, and I’ve always enjoyed our camaraderie. He was surprised when I told him I was getting married. He asked why I didn’t come and talk to him before I made that choice. I feel I’ve made a terrible mistake. I want to leave my husband, but I know it would crush him. He could possibly become violent, or at least he did before when we broke up. What should I do? – Unhappy Wife, Unhappy Life

Dear Unhappy Wife: Before making a final decision, see if your husband would be willing to attend couples counseling. Be honest about how you’re feeling: You can’t carry the whole relationship on your back, and if things don’t improve – and soon – you aren’t willing to continue being part of it. For him to complain as much as you say he does tells me he’s deeply unhappy, too, most likely in your marriage but more so with himself. Whether he’s receptive to therapy or not, you should be proud of honoring yourself and speaking up.

These situations are never easy; lean on your friends, family and other loved ones for support as you take these next steps. If you do feel physically threatened or unsafe, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7, at (800) 799-7233.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.