Miss Manners: Fundraiser food far from fine

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I refused to go to a fundraiser this year because the food was so bad last year, and because the cost of the dinner was over and above the donations. I decided, with so many charities to choose from, to donate elsewhere.

My friends disagree and feel that a terrible meal is what should be expected at a fundraiser. I feel it’s disrespectful to the donors. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Although your friends are not alone in their opinion, Miss Manners hopes fundraisers will not rely on such illogical passivity. If the event is not a reward to the donors for their donations, what purpose does it serve – other than to spend some of the money that could have been directed to the organization’s cause?

Either way, you are free to donate, or not, where you choose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is dating a young man with no manners.

As an example, when he has eaten at our house, I’ve been told that what I serve “isn’t enough” and that I need to provide more (two hamburgers instead of one, for example, or bigger steaks than the ones we eat). I was shocked and let my daughter know that he is incredibly rude.

My daughter spoke to him and explained that because her parents (my husband and I) are older parents from a different generation, we have different rules and expectations for dinner manners.

I was furious when I heard this, and I asked my daughter how she would respond if her children behaved this way in front of a host. That was the only way I knew to get across that bad manners and rudeness are wrong regardless of generation.

I agree that some things have been changed, but this? Am I really just an old relic of the past?

GENTLE READER: Yes, manners apply to all generations, but if what you heard was your daughter calling you old, you are as young as you feel – which, coming from Miss Manners, is not a compliment.

What Miss Manners heard was a polite and clever daughter finding a way to motivate her boyfriend to change his lifelong bad behavior without, herself, being rude – or requiring him to inquire too closely into his own understanding of the world.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.