Dear Kiantha: Pain mother inflicted lives on after her death

Dear Kiantha,

My mother died in late January. We had an awful relationship for as long as I can remember.

Something that has stuck with me for many years, and rings loudly in my head even now, is that she would say that I am “just as ugly as my father if not uglier.” This has caused me to have deep self-esteem issues. I have chosen not to date because I could not bear the heart ache of a potential love interest telling me that same thing.

Dear Friend,

Let me start by saying that I am not giving your mother a pass because she has passed.

What she said to you, and I would be willing to bet there is more, hurt you deeply and for that I am so sorry, and she was wrong.

The pain caused by a mother can be the sharpest pain a young woman will ever feel. In the same way that being affirmed by your mother can be life giving in a way that gives you confidence that cannot be penetrated.

There are many instances when mothers who are no longer with their children’s fathers become resentful of their children when their children favor their fathers. This has nothing to do with the child. Instead, it has everything to do with the mother’s broken heart.

You are your father’s child. Who else should you look like? You are beautifully and wonderfully made. A combination of both your mother and your father, but most importantly you are you and there is no one like you.

Here is where grace comes in. It sounds pretty clear to me that your mother lived her life suffering through her own pain. I feel confident about that because of her need to inflict pain on you. Albeit emotional pain, it was pain that hurt you deeply and continues to hurt you after she is no longer with us.

While you may not know where her point of pain came from you can certainly understand that she was hurting and that people who are hurt, hurt people.

As she has already passed, her pain could not be healed before death but, what is so beautiful about life is that yours can be healed.

Seek understanding as to what she may have endured, perhaps with the help of a therapist. Forgive her for the lie she told you out of her own pain then, spend the rest of your days living in your truth which is, that you are beautiful and there is a partner for you who will wholeheartedly agree with me.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha

Dear Kiantha can be read Fridays in The Spokesman-Review. To submit a question, ema il DearKiantha@gmail.com.