Dear Annie: A new way to honor loved ones

Dear Annie: Your reply to the couple who lost their newborn daughter on Valentine’s Day, reprinted from your 2019 column, struck a chord.

While they have been blessed with another baby, it in no way diminishes the loss of their firstborn. I have not known the grief of losing a child and am therefore unqualified to claim that I understand it. However, I have lost those dearest to me. Therefore, I can say with some certainty that neither platitudes nor most other pieces of advice are helpful. The only path to some measure of healing comes with time and, hopefully, the love of those in one’s support circle.

There is no magic formula that can help the grieving move through the minefield of the calendar year. I can only speak for myself after loss made certain holidays, and each anniversary, another season of pain to be endured. Finally, I resolved to reclaim what peace I could in this way:

Every year, after choosing someone who reminds me of those no longer here, or some organization that they supported, I give modest gifts in loving memory of them. It does not bring them back, but it helps to know their legacy and spirit live on in a timely donation or in the surprised smiles of living recipients who unwrap a bouquet of flowers in the middle of winter, a cashmere scarf in their favorite color, a little parcel of luxury foods, etc.

One beloved family member delighted in watching children playing in the snow. As Christmas and its attendant wave of sorrow approached, I learned of a little boy whose mother was struggling to provide winter necessities. Seeing him zipped snugly inside a warm coat, mittened hands gripping the sides of his new sled as he barreled down the snowy hill with exuberant whoops – I swear I could feel and hear my loved one beside me, laughing. – A friend in the Northeast

Dear Friend: I love your letter because you are paying it forward. You are taking a difficult situation and making the world better. Thank you for sharing.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.