Miss Manners: Are you declining an invitation, or just not showing up?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much detail in the response is required when declining an invitation, and does it vary by event?

For example, if I say, “I’m busy that day” when just a cup of coffee is involved, do I need to say, “I’m chairing a charity event that weekend” with a destination wedding?

I was always pretty terse in my RSVPs, but I’ve noticed that well-mannered people I know tend to trot out a concrete reason when bowing out.

Second question: When I ask someone for advice, do I owe them a follow-up? Such as “I looked into what you suggested, but decided to go in a different direction.”

Your commonsense advice is always much appreciated.

GENTLE READER: There is a difference between declining an invitation and bowing out afterwards. Miss Manners is not sure you are making this distinction, which may be the reason that your well-mannered friends are taking the additional step.

When declining an invitation, a simple “I am so sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t attend” is perfectly polite. And more often than not, revealing the real reason – that you do not feel like it or do not like the people, activity, food and/or price of admission – would be rude.

But if you are bowing out after having accepted, you had better have a very good excuse – or at least one that is not discoverable.

As for the second question, you do not owe anyone, including Miss Manners, a follow-up on advice unless they specifically ask if you used it. Even in that case, you need not specify if it was successful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 38, and 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with a severe, life-limiting disease that leaves me in enormous pain around the clock.

Unfortunately, my body seems to be breaking down at a faster rate than many others with this disease. I have begun using various aids, such as a wheelchair, which somehow seems to give people a free pass to ask about my limitations and tell me about theirs.

I am not ashamed of my disease, and I don’t mind telling people about it. My problem is when people, even some in my own family, tell me that they could never deal with such a diagnosis, and that they would kill themselves if they were me.

I never know what to say to this. I feel like I need to put on a brave face at all times, when in truth, I have been hospitalized for trying to end my life due to my pain. (None of their business.)

I am trying to make the most of the years I have left and trying to find reasons to live; reminders of death make my already-difficult life much harder. Is there a way to succinctly tell people that this comment is both unwarranted, unwanted and pretty damn offensive?

GENTLE READER: “What a terrible thing to say.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.