Miss Manners: Can I force my eco-agenda on people via gifts?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last two years, I have been making incremental changes to lead a more eco-friendly lifestyle. Is it rude to give eco-friendly or reusable products as gifts?

For example, my sister started a new job and I would like to give her a set of reusable utensils to eat her lunch with, rather than relying on her employer’s disposable plastic utensils. Is that OK? And for acquaintances, would goodie bags of, say, bamboo toothbrushes with powdered tooth soap be considered “too personal?”

I want to give gifts that align with my values without intruding on anyone’s freedom to choose whatever products suit their lifestyles. How do I toe that line?

GENTLE READER: That is an excellent distinction to consider. Miss Manners has another: Are you considering presents that you believe the recipients will appreciate and enjoy, or is your motive to prod them into making changes they have no particular desire to make?

Presumably, those close to you know about your interest in achieving a more eco-friendly lifestyle. You seem tactful enough to have shared your beliefs without resorting to the popular – and generally ineffective – technique of shaming others. You will have been alert to any interest, ready to offer encouragement and advice.

But to give presents intended to satisfy you, without regard to pleasing them, violates the spirit of giving. Surely you can find items that balance both.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young couple moved in next door. When they get mail addressed to the former occupant, they don’t contact her, even though she lives in the same small town (and runs a store here).

One recent package contained some marketing materials she had ordered from me, which I mistakenly sent to her old address.

When we figured out the problem, I texted my new neighbor. He then left the package on my porch. But he had it for three weeks without doing anything about it.

When these neighbors are on their deck and my husband goes into his vegetable garden nearby, they immediately go inside. What’s wrong with these people?

GENTLE READER: Maybe they are on their honeymoon. Maybe they are on the lam. Who knows? But they do not have to socialize with you.

In any case, they do not want to be good neighbors, which is their privilege – up to a point. Retaining someone else’s mail was beyond that point. Miss Manners hopes that the post office will be more responsive when your former neighbor requests her mail forwarded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How common is it to address married women as “Mrs. John Doe” in the U.S., in 2024?

GENTLE READER: Not very. But Miss Manners reminds you that wives and widows who prefer to retain that long-traditional style should not be jarred into changing for the sake of consistency.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.