For a booze-free brunch, make zero-proof Bellinis and bloody marys

Even before I quit drinking, I had a lot of questions about the legitimacy of a booze-filled brunch. As someone who enjoyed alcohol a bit more than the average bear, I should have been thrilled there was a socially acceptable excuse for slamming back cocktails at 10 a.m.

But even for a meal that makes it OK to start the day with a stack of butter-and-syrup-drenched cakes (it’s totally fine as long as they’re cooked in a pan!), the excuses for a.m. vodka seemed a little flimsy.

Ostensibly, my reason to imbibe on Sunday morning was that a little “hair of the dog” would ease whatever pain I had inflicted on myself on Saturday night. But if I wasn’t functional enough to take off my shoes and makeup before passing out facedown on my couch at 5 in the morning, how was I supposed to wake up six hours later and make myself pretty enough to eat eggs in public?

Nearly a decade after my last drink I can still viscerally feel the memories of hangovers past. They weren’t all brutal, but it was equally as hard to motivate myself out of bed with an uncomfortable one. If boozy brunches were really meant to cure hangovers, they wouldn’t be trying to lure people outside into direct sunlight.

It’s less dangerous to venture into the wild for brunch now that I’m sober, but I’m still not crawling out of bed, doing my hair and makeup, getting competently dressed, and walking 15 to 30 minutes to stand in line to eat anything, even if it comes with a complimentary basket of minimuffins. Sunday mornings are for lingering in bed, lazily milling about in my pajamas and mustering up the energy to clean, followed by plopping down on the couch to read and watch TV for as long as I can manage. If “brunch” is happening at all, it’s happening in my living room.

A bloody mary doesn’t need to be boozy or bottomless to be enjoyable. In fact, it doesn’t even need to be confined to the ritual of “brunch,” especially since it’s not the best thing to pair with whipped cream or hollandaise. It’s essentially a whole meal in a glass as is, with every ingredient being so aggressive, you need to wonder why vodka needed to be involved at all. If anything in it is helping with a hangover, it’s the vitamins and antioxidants in the tomato juice, the electrolytes in the olive brine, or the horseradish that smacks you in the face and clears up your sinuses. Even if you garnish it with Slim Jims or a bunch of tiny hamburgers on a stick, bloody marys are probably still better for your sleepy Sunday body than a pile of fried chicken on a waffle doused with maple syrup.

With or without the alcohol, bloody marys are made for laziness, which is the most paramount factor to consider when weekends are involved. Dump the ingredients in a pitcher, give it a good stir, and you’re ready to rock. It also just so happens to get better and better the longer it’s allowed to sit, meaning that you can (and should) whip the recipe up the night before so you’re ready to rock come Sunday morning, no matter what physical shape you’re in.

Of course, not all brunches are meant to be casual. There are also fancy brunches, which I still refuse to partake in unless I’m dragged kicking and screaming. Fancy brunches are everything I hate about brunch turned up to the highest setting: the attire, the presentability, the expectation to be chipper and social when my body demands to be beneath warm blankets and purring cats. But if there’s one thing I can appreciate about a fancy brunch, it’s the mimosas and Bellinis in fancy glasses, and I always love an opportunity to drink anything out of those. Just because I’m doing crosswords in flannel pants covered with set-in tomato stains doesn’t mean I’m not a sophisticated broad deep within my heart.

Fortunately for the glamorous and unmotivated, classic “champagne” cocktails have always been superlatively simple to make, requiring nothing more than pouring and stirring. They’re also easy to make nonalcoholic by replacing the sparkling wine with sparkling white grape juice, which results in a sweeter drink, or zero-proof bubbly, which I prefer for its dryness. My local booze-free bottle shop, Hopscotch in Baltimore, offers multiple varieties of the latter, with more than one priced at under $20, rendering the mental gymnastics needed to rationalize cocktails-before-noon irrelevant.

So go ahead and enjoy a bloody mary with those eggs or a Bellini with your cereal on a Tuesday, and keep that blissful lazy Sunday spirit going all week long.

Virgin Bellini

The original Bellini cocktail is made with fresh pureed white peaches, which have a short season. A puree made with yellow peaches – either fresh, canned or frozen – will yield a drink that’s just as delicious. And if you’d rather skip pureeing fruit altogether, bottled peach nectar will work nicely in a pinch.

2 ounces chilled peach puree or peach nectar

4 ounces chilled nonalcoholic sparkling wine or sparkling white grape juice

Pour the peach puree or nectar into a champagne flute; top with the sparkling wine or grape juice, and stir gently with a bar spoon. Serve right away.

Yield: 1 serving

Where to buy: Peach nectar can be found at well-stocked supermarkets and specialty shops.

Substitutions: No nonalcoholic sparkling wine or grape juice? Try sparkling tea or sparkling apple cider. Want this drink with alcohol? Use prosecco or other sparkling wine in place of the nonalcoholic sparkling drink.

Variations: To turn this into a mimosa, use fresh orange juice in place of the peach puree or nectar.

Notes: To make peach puree, halve and pit a ripe, juicy peach (no need to peel). Place it in a blender and puree until smooth. If making peach puree from frozen peaches, defrost them completely in the refrigerator, then puree as much as you need.

Virgin Bloody Mary

This nonalcoholic Bloody Mary is best when its ingredients have had time to mingle, but it’s still fantastic when whipped up on the fly. It’s also a cocktail that benefits from your personal touch, so feel free to tinker with the measurements (like upping the horseradish or hot sauce for extra kick) until your palate is pleased.

One (46-ounce) bottle tomato juice

½ cup dill pickle brine

½ cup olive brine

⅓ cup Worcestershire sauce

¼ cup prepared horseradish

¼ cup fresh lemon juice (from 1 to 2 large lemons)

1 tablespoon hot sauce, such as Tabasco or Crystal brands

2 teaspoons celery seed

1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1 teaspoon fine salt

Ice

Celery stalks, skewered olives, pickle spears, Slim Jims and/or lemon wedges, for garnish

In a 2-quart pitcher, stir together the tomato juice, pickle brine, olive brine, Worcestershire sauce, horseradish, lemon juice, hot sauce, celery seed, pepper and salt until well combined. Cover, and refrigerate for at least one hour and preferably overnight.

When ready to serve, pour the cocktail into glasses filled halfway with ice. Add the garnish(es) of your choosing, and serve.

Yield: 12-16 servings (makes about 8 cups)

Make ahead: The drink mixture needs to be prepared and refrigerated for at least 1 hour before serving.

Storage: Refrigerate for up to 1 week.

Variations: If you prefer a boozy bloody mary, add 2 ounces vodka for every 4 ounces of the mix, or to taste.