Modern candy hearts sport head-scratching messages. Plus, some Spokane-inspired word bites.
OMG … it’s nearly Valentine’s Day!
Sizzling? Smitten? Smoldering? No matter your amorous situation, that mission to impress remains the same. Roses, chocolate-covered strawberries and elegant dinners are sure to score high in the game of love, but big surprises often come in small packages. Take those tiny candy conversation hearts. Brimming with minuscule messages which deliver powerful punches, they check every box on a Valentine’s Day shopping list … sweet, witty and inexpensive.
Just to reminisce, I decided to pick up a few.
My sampling included popular favorites, store brands and even a handful of candy hearts I harvested from the bulk food bins.
A familiar rainbow of pastel colors greeted me as I sifted through the powdery pile. Timeless throwbacks like MARRY ME, ROCK STAR and CALL ME abounded, along with a sprinkling of cringeworthy classics such as SUGAR PIE, HOT STUFF and SWEET PEA. Also buried in that confectionary mound, sappy affirmations like UR SMART, UR KIND and the enigmatic, UR A SNACK. This seems rather small for Valentine’s Day. How about UR A FILET MIGNON or UR A CRÈME BRÛLÉE?
The language of love has certainly changed.
Many of the heart-shaped candies I purchased were stamped with cryptic words and ambiguous lingo which left me scratching my senior head as I googled that mysterious jargon in the Urban Dictionary.
They say love is blind, but I would be careful doling these ones out:
GOAT: Are you the ‘Greatest Of All Time’ or have you been delegated to the livestock category?
CARBS: As in less fattening? This might end all conversations with a weight-conscious sweetheart.
TOTES: It could be a warning that your admirer comes with lots of baggage.
SWIPE RIGHT: Likely a reference to modern dating apps … how about a SWIPE LEFT?
TTYL: It appears to mean “Talk To You Later.” Later as in never? For married couples, this one might eventually transform into “Talk To Your Lawyer.”
FEELN ME? and THE FEELS: These two are definitely sending off creepy vibes. Let’s move on.
BAE: This could stand for babe, but perhaps your soul mate is simply “Broke And Exhausted” from all of that wining and dining.
Love is complicated enough without these sugary sabotages. Other odd messages included:
MOVE IN?: Let’s hope this one is not being handed out in a 2nd grade classroom.
MEET MOM?: Strangely enough, I did not find a MEET DAD? one.
I SEE YOU: Roll down the shades and lock the doors!
THIS REAL? and PICK ME: Who would convey such pathetic pleas of desperation with a candy heart?
It’s enough to send Cupid into cardiac arrest!
On a sad note, many of my small hearts were broken. Others had chopped off letters or no lettering at all. Talk about whispering sweet nothings. The bulk of my misfits had illegible words printed on them … a defect the parent company of Sweethearts, Spangler, used to their marketing advantage last year when they released “Situationships” hearts which contained fuzzy messages they called, “as blurry as your relationship.”
Don’t get your heart in a tizzy, there is hope.
Spokane business owners should join together and create a new product called Second Chance Hearts. Sold after New Year’s Day, they would deliver subtle hints as to where our loved ones missed the shopping mark at Christmas. Stamped messages might include MM (Mall Mama), SBF (Starbucks Fanatic), AA (Apple Aficionado) and RPSQ (River Park Square Queen).
Those bland flavors could also use a facelift.
How about a few locally-inspired blends like Bloomsday Blue Bubblegum, Manito Marshmallow Crème or Lilac City Love Potion … a mixture of lemon and passion berry?
That fervent ticker thumps at all ages.
The AARP should jump aboard this sugared bandwagon with their own line of hearts targeted specifically to older folks … softer of course. Large print messages might include OBG (Oldie But Goodie), SS (Sassy Senior) and ATP (Aged To Perfection).
While scouring store shelves for conversation candies, I stumbled across two novel Brach’s product lines. Go Global hearts, which feature greetings in 13 different languages, and Wisecracks hearts, with sarcastic zingers like DREAM ON and 4 NEVER, are certain to drive your heartfelt message home to a not-so-special somebody.
Choose wisely and Happy Valentine’s Day!