Five rules to follow if you’re asked to be part of a pricey wedding

Editor’s note: Michelle Singletary is away. The following column was first published June 21, 2024, and has been updated.

I’ve long stood up for the friends and family members whose savings would be strained by accepting an invitation to participate in an extravagant wedding.

Too often, they don’t have the heart to say no, even knowing the request will demand outlandish spending. So I’ll say what they often can’t to the couple: Stop being selfish.

Many engaged couples fail to take into account how much they’re asking people to pay for the privilege of joining the wedding party. The event can entail lavish bachelorette and bachelor parties spanning a weekend, and other pre-wedding and postnuptial festivities that you are expected to help fund.

If there’s any pushback, couples may be inclined to protest that it’s their “big day.”

Your wedding isn’t a Burger King commercial where you “have it your way” because you rule with no financial consideration for the people you profess to care about.

Here’s a comment from a bridesmaid I once interviewed: “I don’t think couples do the math on how much the bridal party is spending, and I felt (the) couple let the vision of the wedding they both grew up wanting cloud some wisdom on how much this vision was costing everyone involved, including themselves.”

If you’ve been asked to be a bridesmaid or groomsman, here are my suggestions for what to do before and after you accept the invitation.

Don’t treat the invitation like it’s a subpoena

It’s important to show up for special events. It’s what forges good relationships. So it’s understandable that you may feel you can’t say no when someone you love asks you to be part of the wedding celebration.

The pressure can be intense.

It seems wedding party proposals are a thing. It’s hard to turn down the invitation to be in the wedding party when you’ve received a personalized bridesmaid box.

One bridesmaid’s TikTok video went viral after she showed off a proposal box with gifts totaling more than $400.

Or there’s the guilt factor. It’s either said or heavily implied by the couple or their inner circle: “You can’t put a price on friendship.”

Except you actually can, because affordability matters. You have to live out your financial truth, which means recognizing when a request is outside your budget.

For instance, when the invite comes and the couple says it’s a destination wedding, you have the right to consider whether you can afford the airfare and hotel expenses.

If you know that being part of the wedding party would be a financial burden, it’s OK to decline the invitation.

A mature couple will accept your decision with grace.

Don’t say yes to the dress until you know the cost

It’s not just about the required attire.

Frequently, bridesmaids and the matron or maid of honor are expected to pay for not only the dress but also matching shoes and styling, including hair and makeup. You might also be responsible for expensive dress alterations.

By the way, groomsmen, don’t assume you’re on the hook just for a tuxedo.

A friend requested advice after being asked to be a groomsman in his brother’s Las Vegas destination wedding. Between the airfare, a shared hotel room, food, the bachelor party, a golf outing and the tux rental, he was looking at more than $1,200. He just didn’t have it.

“Tell the truth,” I told him.

He ended up attending as a guest, and his brother was perfectly fine with it. Get the line-item details of what you’re expected to buy before you commit. It’s better to know what you’re getting into than to regret the price tag later.

Don’t go into debt

Take a realistic look at your financial situation.

A majority – 53% – of Americans don’t have enough liquidity or cash on hand to cover a $1,000 emergency expense, according to Bankrate’s 2026 Emergency Savings Report. Nearly 3 in 10 adults have more credit card debt than they have in emergency savings.

A growing number of Americans are maxed out on plastic, with serious delinquency (90 days late) creeping up in the first quarter of 2026, according to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.

If joining the wedding party means racking up credit card debt that will take you months, if not years, to pay off, factor that into your decision.

I wouldn’t do it, but if you decide to proceed, at least make sure you have a plan to pay down the debt.

You don’t have to attend everything

Weddings have gone from a single day to multiday events, often requiring participants to share the expenses.

People fear a Groom- or Bridezilla breakdown if they elect to skip any of the activities.

If the events – out-of-town bachelorette or bachelor party, bridal tea, spa day, post-wedding brunch – are out of your budget, say so. You have a choice.

Be clear and upfront about what activities you can afford to attend. It’s your time and your money.

Your presence is your present

OK, you’ve resigned yourself to ponying up the money to participate in the wedding party. Then you wonder: “Do I also need to give a wedding present?”

Did you get a gift for the engagement party? What about the bridal shower, bachelorette and/or bachelor party?

If you’re traveling out of town or attending a destination wedding, you’ll have to spend money on transportation, a hotel room and meals, right?

Will you have to take time off work, which will cut into your available vacation time?

While etiquette may dictate gifts from wedding guests, wedding party attendants should be exempt from the expectation of giving a present.

If you feel you can’t go empty-handed, a nice card with a heartfelt note should be plenty.

It is an honor to be asked to be part of the wedding party. But the couple should also recognize that your presence is a gift.