Barbara Walters, ABC TV’s age-defying news mummy, took to the airwaves Wednesday night to give us “The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009.”

(Columnist’s note: Because of the glacial nature of newsprint, I am writing this hours before the above show is supposed to air. So if we go to war or, say, a new Tiger Woods bimbo comes forth to pre-empt the Walters special, please ignore the rest of today’s lament.)

This year her intriguing list included: Adam “the naughty rocker” Lambert; reality television’s multimom, Kate Gosselin; and Glenn Beck, true heir to the Limbaugh Hot Air Throne.

Walters inspired me, and not only on the efficacy of plastic surgery. I decided to steal her idea and assemble my own list of the Ingrown Empire’s most fascinating.

Let’s see, there’s …

Oh, yeah, and …

I can’t believe it. Just yesterday we had more notable kooks than a Coen brothers flick.

There was …

•Steve Hasson, the goofy Spokane County commissioner who once leaped out of his office window and ran down the street to avoid reporters.

•Attention-starved Jimmy Marks, who with his father, Grover, laid a Gypsy curse on Spokane following a botched police raid on their homes.

•Tort-happy City Council member Steve Eugster, a political philosopher with the disposition of a junkyard dog.

What happened?

Hasson moved away. Jimmy and Grover assumed room temperature.

Yeah, Eugster’s still around. He even launched a failed return to the City Council this year.

But the modern Eugster, alas, is a toothless shell of his rabid former self.

I could go on and on.

Jim West, our former flawed mayor, passed on to that great chat room in the sky.

Mark Fuhrman, vitriolic ex-L.A. detective of O.J. trial fame, lost his local radio chat show.

Career felon Eddie Ray Hall hasn’t escaped from prison in, well, months.

The trouble is attrition without addition.

By this I mean that no fresh bozos have come along to refill our municipal clown car.

No wonder the newspaper keeps shrinking. We’ve run out of characters to put in it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’ve forgotten about current county Commissioners Todd Mielke and Mark Richard?

Sorry. Being aggravating and irresponsible makes you annoying, not interesting.

It’s positively pathetic when the year’s most fascinating character turns out to be an escapee from a booby hatch-approved field trip to the county fair.

Our current crop of City Council members are snooze-makers, not news-makers.

I will admit, however, that council President Joe Shogan does have potential.

He has a volcanic temper. He does run off at the mouth, like when he angrily told his council mates he was coming back from vacation and “bringing hell” with him.

But to be truly memorable, Smokin’ Joe needs to unleash his character flaws much more often.

It hurts me to say this, but if Barbara Walters came here to do a TV special it wouldn’t be to reveal our most fascinating.

It would be to name the 10 Most Disappointingly Dull.