DEAR MISS MANNERS – Is it appropriate to smell your food at the table?

I grew up in the South and was told time and time again, “You can go anywhere in the country and know what to do at any table if you have good table manners.” Having worked at the White House and spent many meals in dining rooms across the country, I have found that to be true.

Smelling food was always off limits, but I need some backup here.

Can you give us your opinion so that I can offer an answer in black and white to my always questioning teenagers, who love to take a whiff of delights that hit our family table? From fresh bread to something they dread eating – what are the rules?

GENTLE READER – Having worked in the White House, you are aware that there is sometimes a disconnection between behavior that is proper and behavior that appears to be proper. Miss Manners needn’t tell you that that which is proper sometimes appears to be improper, and (goodness knows) that which is improper sometimes appears to be proper. And you want your teenagers (as we want our presidents) to appear to be proper, as well as to be proper.

Good food has a delicious aroma, and taking that in is a proper part of the enjoyment of eating. However, if what you and your children mean by “smelling” is putting the nose close and taking a noisy whiff, that is decidedly improper at the table (although doing so in the kitchen and telling the cook, “My, that smells good” is considered endearing). Enjoying the smell is perfectly allowable, provided it is not accompanied by obvious physical gestures.

DEAR MISS MANNERS – My beloved adult son is currently incarcerated. When a casual acquaintance asks me how my children are and what they’re up to these days, I have no problems being polite but vague.

But when dearer friends with whom I haven’t recently spoken ask about them, it becomes a bit more difficult. This is a rather painful subject, one I am not inclined to discuss with many. I also have no wish to violate my son’s privacy.

On the other hand, I don’t wish to give a friend the impression they were wrong to ask, as the problem is mine, not theirs.

Is there a polite way to let them know that my son is physically well and then change the subject without alarming my friends?

GENTLE READER – There is not much room here between polite-but-vague and tell-all.

Miss Manners would consider it humanly impossible for someone who is told that your son is in jail not to ask, “What is he in for?” And then it is on to which jail and what conditions are like there, and when he is likely to get out.

You have been avoiding this with acquaintances with true but minimal statements about his health. To close friends, you could say something like, “Well, he has difficulties, but nothing I can talk about,” and then add, “But you are kind to ask.”