Dear Carolyn: My daughter got engaged at Christmas to a military fellow. They were to have a spring 2012 wedding, but chose to elope in May before he deployed.

Now she wants to have a vow renewal ceremony and celebration with all the trimmings. I have no problem with a vow renewal, but I take issue with a wedding gown, bridesmaids, bachelorette/bachelor parties or even bridal showers.

The biggest issue is that she and her husband now live 13 hours from both families. But they want this “event” to take place in their hometown where, yes, his Army buddies are, so they can do this “sword” ceremony. This feels like just a big, expensive show for their friends, given that little family can attend. My contention is that if family is truly important, the “event” will take place in her hometown, and friends can make the trip. I am losing lots of sleep over this. – Anonymous

Please let go, let them celebrate as they want, let them pay for it. Let last night be the last one you suffer without sleep.

This is your daughter’s world right now. Yay for her. You will always be your child’s primary home, but right now she’s in a community that gains strength through unity, and unity through immersion. A ribbon magnet on a car is swell, but you have a chance to provide support for soldiers that means something: You can say, “The ceremony sounds beautiful, we’ll just gather the relatives for a celebration next time you’re in town.” If you can travel, go, and if you can spare it, give a cash gift she can spend as she wants. Your blessing will bring her closer to you in the end.