The Slice: Skip the ‘major’ stories

Most people don’t have college diplomas. Though well documented by the Census Bureau, this news has yet to reach many who work in the media. That’s obvious, because every year at this time we start seeing off-to-college stories clearly based on the assumption that this is a universal experience.

It’s not. Seattle, for instance, has one of the nation’s highest rates of college graduates among its residents, but those with four-year degrees are still less than half the adult population.

Spokane, as you might guess, lags.

But feature stories about the rigors of university life are inevitable. People in the national media spend a lot of time talking to themselves. This hall of mirrors tends to produce reporters and news directors who believe their world is everyone’s world.

So today, with the majority of the population in mind, The Slice presents a quick guide to making sense of “Getting ready for college” stories.

The “How to pick a college” story: These are usually ego trips. On rare occasions, there’s some worthwhile information about comparing schools. But often this is an excuse for reporters who happen to be parents to brag about their amazing offspring.

The “How to select a major” story: General advice about an intensely individual decision. Tend to be unreadable.

The “Should I join a fraternity/sorority?” story: This almost always features some dated baby boomer/reporter winking at his or her supposedly bacchanalian past. What a laugh. Everyone knows that the people who loved to party hardy wound up in marketing.

The “Making sense of financial aid” story: This is actually a test. If the student does the research and investigates the options, that kid is a good bet to make the most of a college experience. If, on the other hand, the prospective freshman leaves it all up to his or her parents, odds are that this kid is going to focus on face-painting and keggers and wind up in a “Girls Gone Wild” video.

The “Getting along with your roommate” story: In a nutshell: 1. Golden Rule. 2. Assert your rights. 3. Don’t expect to become instant best friends.

The “How to avoid gaining 15 pounds in your first semester” story: Don’t go back for thirds at the dining hall and try to get some exercise that doesn’t require contraception.

The “How to manage your finances while away at school” story: Apparently you’re supposed to care about selfish young dolts who max out dad’s credit card during spring break.

The “Dealing with homesickness” story: Though supposedly aimed at students, these stories actually serve to comfort parents who embrace the fantasy that Chip or Brittany will find it hard to be away.

The story laced with references to the movie “Animal House”: Dean Wormer said it all: “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

“Today’s Slice question: What local radio station is listened to in the most workplaces?