How to party like a pro, part one

It’s not yet 9 a.m. on this sunny Sunday morning and yet here I am, sitting behind the same desk that I’ve sat at since the late 1980s , listening to something that didn’t exist those many years ago, online music, and I’m playing it out loud because there’s no one else here. And as the sound of KEXP wafts through the room, I’m dreaming of warm Mexican beaches . ¿Que padre, no?

So anyway, I was at a party last night and just as soon as people discovered – as many already knew – that I write about movies for a living, the inevitable question arose: “What are the best movies out there?” And I’d go blank.

For one thing, there’s not much out there that’s really all that good, and much of what is bad – “Christmas With the Kranks” comes to mind – is execrable . For a second, I’m truly bad at answering questions such as that, especially when I’m talking to someone I don’t know. I mean, we all prefer different kind of films, right? Action flicks? Comedies? Something that’s going to make you think? Something that’s going to put your date in the, uh, mood ? Big questions all.

So I usually try to just throw the question back at my interrogator. It usually works because most people would rather talk than listen. They want to tell the critic what they think, not merely listen to an opinion that they can simply read in the newspaper ( or online ). And then I usually end up doing a lot of nodding and smiling, revealing some representation of what I really believe but not in a way that’s challenging or belittling.

Example: “What did you think of ‘Cold Mountain’ ?” Honest answer: “Actually, I didn’t like it all that much.” Offered answer: “I really liked Rene Zellweger.” Second example: “Didn’t you just love ‘Forrest Gump’ ?” Honest answer: “Not as much as I would have liked because my wife kept coming and going over the final half hour, saying things like ‘Hasn’t this piece of fecal matter ended yet?’ ” Only she didn’t say fecal matter, you know? Offered answer: “Hmmmmmm” with a smile.

Damn, have I become mature or something? Nah, little chance of that. After all, I plan on seeing “Blade: Trinity” today. Not that I expect to like it all that much. But there’s always room in life for one more vampire flick. Besides, Parker Posey plays a bloodsucker, which is just the kind of offbeat casting that I love.

Bit of advice, though: That kind of line seldom plays well at parties. When you say Parker Posey, most people tend to just … go blank.