It be a tall tale that King Clive weaveth

Clive Owen would make the perfect James Bond. And rumor has it that’s exactly what’s in the works . Too bad Owen didn’t think twice before taking the title role in Antoine Fuqua’s sword-and-shield flick “King Arthur.” It’s not as if the film will deal his career a major setback, but it isn’t going to help.

What’s wrong? Pretty much everything. The script is derivative, the anachronistic attitudes of liberty and equality don’t work for 5th century Britain, the characters are silly, the fight scenes are barely adequate, the pacing is slower than horse glue and the acting is straight-to-videoish. Even Keira Knightley ’s turn as a wood-nymph-Amazon version of Guinevere is less satisfying than it should be, given that her character is near death one minute and a half hour late could give Uma Thurman a tumble.

Worst of all, other than Ray Winstone, the film is more serious than your high-school chorus teacher leading you through her own upbeat arrangement of “The Wind Beneath My Wings.” Winstone at least gets off a couple of hee-haws about his 11 or so illegitimate children.

Other than that, the laughs were all unintentional – though no less heartfelt. I bet even 007 would have cracked a smile.