The Slice: Garden fresh? Gee, thanks

There’s really no nice way to reject a gift from someone’s garden. When a demonically grinning neighbor or co-worker proffers homegrown produce, you almost have no choice but to accept this, uh, bounty.

You can’t really say, “Bob, these vegetables of yours are stunted and gnarly.”

And it might be rude to stiff-arm the giveaway by noting that, unlike certain furry rodents, you seldom eat the items being foisted on you.

OK, sorry. I’m not trying to be mean.

I like gardeners. It’s just that some of them start going insane this time of year.

We all know about zucchini dumping. But that’s just part of the picture.

Ever been handed a sack of dirt-caked potatoes not much bigger than marbles? Ever have someone present you with tomatoes that appear to be the densely populated home-worlds of several species of tiny insects?

Sure. Then you’re supposed to excitedly express your gratitude.

It’s expected, you know.

Well, most of us were not theater majors. And that level of acting doesn’t come naturally.

So often the thank-you comes off sounding forced and fake.

You know, “Boy, these sure look organic. Thanks.”

Or, “Gee, I’ll bet they’ll taste better than store-bought despite those lumps and lesions.”

These inept expressions of appreciation are the result of forgetting the cardinal rule of accepting garden gifts: Lie.

Don’t try to sugar-coat. Don’t reach for a positive spin.

Just go ahead and lie.

“Oh, I’m so glad to have these. Thank you!”

“Chard! My favorite!”

You get the idea.

Don’t worry about appearing to be a phony.

Trust me. Gardeners are like parents. Despite any amount of objective evidence to the contrary, they usually believe that everything they produce is unquestionably appealing.

So just accept the runty veggies and strange fruit and be done with it.

And who knows. If you put it all out in the back yard, raccoons might eat it.

But I can tell you from experience that they’d rather have doughnuts.

Of course, who wouldn’t?

“Tell The Slice about your treehouse: What kind of tree is it? Anything unusual about the design? What innovative building techniques or materials were employed during construction? What engineering obstacles had to be overcome? What were the primary architectural influences? Are there rules about who is allowed to enter? Internet access? What’s the maximum occupancy? How does it handle high winds? How’s the feng shui? Does it feel more like a crow’s-nest on an old-time sailing vessel, a frontier fort or a clubhouse? What would you do differently next time? OK if I come over and take a look?

“Today’s Slice question: How are those tattoos going to look 20 years from now?