The Slice: If it’s really ‘On Demand,’ why won’t it take lunch orders?

Even those not easily dazzled by technology have to admit it.

Cable TV has gotten to be pretty amazing.

First came all those digital capabilities. Then DVR. And now with the long-awaited arrival of “On Demand” in Spokane, the viewer holding the remote can feel drunk with power.

This all comes with a price, of course. But watching what you want to watch whenever you like is getting to be ridiculously easy.

Still, I’m waiting for the next big breakthrough. I want my cable TV hookup to be capable of doing magic.

Sure, not having to mess with videotapes is swell. And being able to choose to watch programs not even on that night’s zillion-channel schedule is pretty cool.

But it would be nice if there were a box on the screen that said, “Would you like to have an ice-cold beer appear on the lamp table near your free hand?”

There are times when I’d click on “Yes.”

But that would be just the beginning. Let’s get metaphysical.

“Those kids in the car outside who are playing a stereo at a window-rattling volume — would you like to have them Tasered?”

“Yes.”

But some interactive capability re: the programming on the screen would be good, too.

“Those shirtless, face-painted USC fans chanting ‘We’re No. 1!’ and thrusting fingers toward the camera — want them cuffed and hauled away?”

“Yes, please.”

“That foul-mouthed, crotch-grabbing egomaniac on the music awards show — want him covered with a tarp and forcibly removed from the stage?”

“Yes.”

“Whenever a Spokane TV news person says, ‘Reporting to you live, from the newsroom’ — would you like a text crawler to appear on everyone’s screens that says, ‘Why on Earth is it necessary to say that?’ “

“Yes.”

OK, maybe that’s a lot to ask. But didn’t the techno-geeks promise us a revolution?

Well, I’m ready.

Being able to press a few buttons and watch a monthold rerun episode of “Lost” at an odd time is neat. But what I’d really like is the ability to flash a message to all Comcast customers watching “The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer.” When certain politicians, pundits and lobbyists are speaking, the message would say “This guy is lying.” Or “Ideologues are afraid of reality.”

And magical movie-editing would be fun. Though I suppose it could be abused, which other members of the household might notice.

“Hey, I don’t remember Diane Lane wearing something quite that snug in this.”

Not going to happen, I know.

There’s still only one way to make the world more perfect. You have to put down the remote and go out and get involved.

OK. Right after that beer.

“Today’s Slice question: What saved you that time you almost drowned?