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This column reflects the opinion of the writer. Learn about the differences between a news story and an opinion column.

Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Carb(uretor) loading

Sooner or later, Inland Northwest residents have to ask themselves a question. “Am I into old cars or not?”

Some people are able to figure that out on their own. For them, the answer is obvious.

Others, though, need help deciding. They sort of like classic automobiles. But it isn’t an obsession.

So The Slice is here to help.

Just take the following true-or-false “Auto Addiction Profile” quiz. Award yourself five points for every “true” answer. Then rate yourself at the end.

1. You’ve gone into a trancelike Homer Simpson-esque blissed out/drooling state at a vintage car show.

2. “Reliable transportation” would never be one of your Top 10 reasons for buying a car.

3. Nine out of 10 modern cars remind you of tofu.

4. “American Graffiti” is one of your favorite movies but you don’t remember anything about any of the human characters.

5. Devoting 200 hours to achieving a perfect gleam and shine would be time well-spent.

6. You can’t really trust a guy with perfect, immaculate fingernails.

7. In a way, carburetors are the perfect metaphor for life.

8. You regard Jan and Dean’s “Dead Man’s Curve” as a stirring exploration of postmodern morality.

9. You were saying “sweet” long before today’s youth fell in love with the word.

10. When you listen to an engine, you actually know what you’re hearing.

11. Your will designates a recipient for your favorite tachometer.

12. You know what a hemi is.

13. You have daydreamed at work about parts-finding strategies.

14. When circumstances require you to drive your restoration project to the grocery store, you try to park at least 100 yards away from the nearest car — and not under any trees.

15. You have asked your dog questions such as, “Think replacing the shocks would be worth it?”

16. When you drive by a classic Cadillac in traffic, passengers in your car suspect that you just spotted some nude cheerleaders on a trampoline.

17. You know you bore people, but you can’t help it.

18. When behind the wheel of your ‘57 Chevy (or whatever), you are Spokane’s safest, least aggressive driver.

19. The answer to most of life’s question can be found if you stare long enough at an engine block.

20. Someone who doesn’t understand why fixing up an old car is satisfying isn’t going to get it, no matter how much time you spend trying to explain it.

Grade Yourself

80-100 — Car crazy.

50-75 — You might still have a life.

25-45 — No gearhead.

20 or below — You often feel like a stranger in a strange land.

•Today’s Slice question: What percentage of the Spokane area’s adult population is capable of changing a flat tire?

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