The Slice: We could hold our own in this battle

Today’s Slice question: How would Spokane fare in a “War of the Worlds” scenario?

1) Civic boosters, seeking to turn lemons into lemonade, instantly bill it as “The largest timed invasion from another planet.” 2) Thanks to years of practice (Bloomsday), the mass exodus is reasonably orderly — until, that is, people realize they aren’t getting a T-shirt. 3) Much of the carnage takes place at yard sales. 4) The local TV news dubs it “Martianstorm,” “Mayor Under Fire,” and “Decision ‘05.” 5) The aliens quickly tire of hearing that everyone’s at the lake and things get ugly. 6) The S-R sets up and exhaustively promotes a special “War of the Worlds” blog just moments before the Review Tower gets vaporized.

7) Many blame the invasion on the River Park Square parking garage deal. 8) There are certain parts of Spokane I would advise the aliens not to invade. 9) Golfers argue about how to score a putt disrupted by a mammoth piece of otherworldly weaponry erupting from beneath a green. 10) Spokane County addresses the threat by hiring more commissioners’ relatives. 11) Some stern looking guys in suits declare that the attack is certain to drive up health care costs. 12) The civic slogan becomes “Near Nature/Nearly Wiped Out.”

13) A couple of guys having coffee at a cafe look out the window, see unspeakable destruction, and then go back to talking about the Zags. 14) When a day-care center is threatened, several stay-at-home moms use the occasion to say “Told you so.” 15) Because the features section is printed in advance, the first edition of The Slice to appear after the start of the invasion has “bad baby names” as its theme. 16) Letters to the editor blame soft-on-Martians liberals as the newspaper editorializes against the invasion. 17) The toppling of the Clock Tower prompts a round of Expo ‘74 reminiscing. 18) A public radio pledge drive proceeds uninterrupted.

19) Motorists complain about traffic delays as rampaging invaders in gigantic, death-dealing machines lay waste to the city. 20) Callers to talk radio debate the name “Pig Out In The Park.” 21) A “Recall the Martians” petition is circulated. 22) The S-R’s “7” section takes a look at what edgy twentysomethings think about being annihilated. 23) A contractor offering to refurbish a north Side man’s bomb shelter is told that his bid is a bit “spendy.” 24) Those hoping to flee the city try to find people to give them rides to the airport so they won’t have to pay for parking.

25) The aliens’ rampage creates a perfect corridor for the North-South freeway. 26) The Cougs recruit one of the aliens as a linebacker. “Its grades are an issue,” admits an athletic department spokesman. “And if it doesn’t stop killing people, it might have to redshirt.” 27) On Q6’s “Six Questions,” one of the invaders defends plans to exterminate all humans. The next question is about gardening. 28) Angry callers berate Avista for power outages. 29) Spokane Club members vote against admitting the aliens. 30) Finally, after causing untold destruction, the ruthless invaders are done in by smoke from grass-field burning.