The Slice: ‘All sorts of high-tech junk’ topping most wish lists

Thanks to some helpful public relations contacts and an unbelievable bit of luck, I was able to conduct a phone interview with Santa Claus. Here are the highlights.

Slice: I see that you will be making several personal appearances in Spokane in the next few days. It’s not even Thanksgiving yet. Isn’t it a bit early?

Santa: Look, my agent locked me into these dates. Besides, I was going to be in town anyway. I have a nephew who runs a body shop on the North Side. He owes me some money. Are you reading this, Jason?

Slice: Have Spokane-area children been naughty or nice?

Santa: Well, that’s proprietary information. But I can tell you that your area has a lot of youngsters who are right on the line. Red Zone Kids, I call ‘em. Could go either way.

Slice: What’s going to be the hot toy this year?

Santa: Well, cash is generating some buzz. And there’s a real clamoring for all sorts of high-tech junk.

Slice: How’s the diet going?

Santa: Don’t ask. I tried lifting weights. But you know what? IT’S BORING.

Slice: How do you respond to skeptics who say you couldn’t really do what you claim to do?

Santa: I tell them to go, uh, wait, I don’t think you could print that. Look, it’s magic. OK? Next question.

Slice: How’s Mrs. Claus? I read that she has gotten into yoga.

Santa: Yes, she says it helps take her mind off global warming’s implications for the North Pole.

Slice: Have the two of you ever had to go to counseling?

Santa: What?

Slice: I also saw that the elves are talking about forming a union.

Santa: Don’t get me started on that. Do you have any idea what a guy like me pays to provide health-care insurance? The elves are my friends. But they seem to forget that our whole enterprise operates on razor-thin margins. Ever seen how much reindeer eat?

Slice: Are kids today different than kids were long ago?

Santa: Not really. Just when I’m about the write them off as a bunch of ill-mannered little reprobates, one of them sends me an e-mail that tugs at my heart.

Slice: Has Christmas gotten too commercial?

Santa: Of course, it has. But the real problem is parents who don’t even make an effort to define the season in a way that challenges their children to be more than drooling little greedheads. It’s sad.

Slice: What’s your favorite Christmas Eve snack?

Santa: I like a little cheddar. Homemade cookies can be nice, too — if they aren’t those hard as granite numbers. I also enjoy a cold beer. But after a few thousand, well, never mind.

Slice: Merry Christmas, Santa.

Santa: You, too. Be good.

“Today’s Slice question: If you got to rename Spokane, what would you call the city?