The Slice: We have itsy-bitsy misconceptions about spiders

The hint of a nip in the air late at night can mean only one thing. Yes, a fair number of people around here are about to freak out. It’s the idea that spiders will be trying to get in the house before cold weather sets in. To help readers cope with arachnid anxiety, The Slice interviewed a Spokane spider.

The Slice: So let’s get right to it. Is it true you guys try to come inside when the weather starts to turn?

Spider 765X: Well, scientists disagree. Some say that’s an old wives’ tale.

The Slice: What do YOU say?

Spider 765X: I say I have no intention of freezing my abdomen off. Of course, I come inside.

The Slice: Do you mean us harm?

Spider 765X: Me? No. I’m just trying to make a living. But I’ve got a few cousins you wouldn’t want to cross.

The Slice: What do think of the deep fear you strike in the hearts of some people?

Spider 765X: The truth? It cracks me up. I mean, you folks outweigh us by a bazillion to one. And you’ve got a definite height and reach advantage.

The Slice: But do you understand why you are so scary?

Spider 765X: Frankly, no. Have you guys looked in the mirror lately? That’s all I’m saying. And the two-legs thing totally creeps me out.

The Slice: But people are afraid of being stung.

Spider 765X: It’s more of a bite, really. But here’s a news flash — human flesh is not one of our essential food groups.

The Slice: Level with me. Is it true that your kind will wait until we are asleep and then crawl onto our faces?

Spider 765X: Yeah. Right. And some of us are ax murderers and telemarketers.

The Slice: What’s the deal with spiders and basements?

Spider 765X: Well, that’s where some of the tastiest insects are. And there are good places for spinning webs down there.

The Slice: Should people really regard you as their friend?

Spider 765X: Absolutely. If you saw some of the things I have for lunch, you’d buy me a beer.

The Slice: Well, why are spiders so misunderstood?

Spider 765X: My theory is that people are jealous of our rugged good looks and the fact that our spidey sense tells us when something is about to happen.

The Slice: Like what?

Spider 765X: Like the end of this interview.

“ Today’s Slice question: Are you some team’s good luck charm or curse?

In other words, does your presence at a game seem to predict the outcome for one of the teams involved? I’ll give you a couple of examples, though I’m certain countless casual sports fans could easily top these.

I’ve been to two Apple Cup games, one in Pullman and one in Seattle. WSU won both. So am I a jinx for the Huskies?

And I have attended a grand total of two Seattle Mariners games, one at the Kingdome and one in Detroit. The Mariners lost both games. So should I conclude that I’m bad luck for the Mariners?