Top Cutlines — 8/23/06

In this 2005 file photo, Joan Rivers, left, and her daughter Melissa blow kisses as they arrive for the 57th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. The pair are about to give Hollywood stars their version of the red-carpet treatment at the 58th Emmy Awards. You write the cutline. (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian, File)

Top Cutlines

1. After being stopped by Hollywood Police and ranting about Jews and Conservatives; the Rivers prepare to blow in the breath analyser and disavow any responsibility — Paul Ferguson.

2. Keith Richards joins Johnny Depp on the set of next year’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Scallawags In Drag — Family Phil.

3. Unseen was the 10 minutes of facial stretching Joan had to do in order to get her tight-as-a-drum skin to flex enough for her to pucker up — A Token D; and: Indisputable pair of falsies — VFW.

HM: Eric Seaman (yeah, I got it, too.)

For all of today’s terrific cutlines, click here .