Doug Clark: Catchphrase contenders take aim

The Clark Column Catchphrase for Christmas Cash Contest has climaxed.

We have a winner. And just like in the recent Spokane County election it ain’t Phil Harris.

It is Jim Nelson. The 74-year-old Spokane resident was one of 134 people from all over the region who responded to my appeal for a Doug Clark catchphrase. After seeing Wenatchee and Seattle come up with new slogans, I thought it was my turn.

Nelson wins $100 first prize for his catchphrase:

“Nobody Loves a Smartass.”

It had to be the winner. Every teacher I ever had told me the same thing at least twice a day.

Nelson’s victory, just like life, was determined by an unfair, arbitrary and capricious process.

I selected what I thought were the best nine or 10 entries. Then I called my pal, Joe Brasch, and we hashed out the top three.

“It’s right next to winning the Pulitzer,” said Nelson of his victory. “I can use the money. I’m retired. I’m on Social Security.”

Nelson said he came up with his slogan while sitting in his apartment. “I was thinking, ‘Nobody loves a smartass,’ and that’s what you are.”

As promised, I will have Nelson’s catchphrase printed on my next batch of business cards.

Scott Read, a history teacher at East Valley High School, rakes in $50 for his runner-up catchphrase, “Doesn’t Kick Puppies.”

See? I have positive qualities.

And the $25 third-place prize goes to Pam Ames for “Taser Target.”

I asked Ames how she came up with that. She told me she’s a dispatch supervisor for the Spokane Police Department.

Mystery solved.

Tabulating the results wasn’t easy. Many who entered submitted more than one catchphrase possibility.

Dave Spilker, of Greenacres, turned in 23 taglines. (Example: “Have pen – will make someone angry.”)

Norm Hochhalter, of Spokane, sent 36. I don’t know what Norm was smoking. One of his submissions was “Exhortations of an Idiot.” If he thought I’d pay for that he’s dumber than he thinks I am.

There were a lot of clever contenders, such as:

“”You’ve been warned” – Janna Saeger.

“”Pimping out Spokane for your amusement” – Penny Simonson.

“”Stirring Spokane’s Cesspools Since 1984” – John Beck.

“”The best way to waste your time” – Donna Potter Phillips.

“”Almost slander, maybe libel” – from the staff of Joseph G. Carroll, P.S.

“”What’s that smell?” – Nikki Alley.

“”Like Metamucil for the Mind” – Amy Maine.

“”So Weird. So Wonderful.” – Joanne Sepulveda.

“”Follicly challenged, obnoxiously funny” – Wayne Hannas.

Scott Brunell’s “Slinging the mud 147 times a Year” was a good one.

The Spangle resident demonstrated on his e-mail how he came up with the figure. He multiplied three columns a week times 52 weeks in the year. Then he subtracted nine columns for three weeks of vacations.

Good try, Scott. Unfortunately, your math is a little faulty. First off, I get more vacation time. Then you have to take away my periodic disappearances for rehab.

Some contestants seized the opportunity to express their Clark contempt.

Roya Franz’s entry came on a postcard that bore a photograph of cattle and the admonition, “Be Kind To Animals, Don’t Eat Them!” The catchphrase suggestion was, “Doug Clark – one icky dude.” Franz told me to give the $100 winnings to PETA.

I have a better idea. I’ll give the C-note to somebody else and eat a burger in Franz’s honor.

Here are some others who ripped me a new one:

“Michael Rush, of Harrington: “Totally stupid and yet they pay me!”

“”DClark, Dmeaning, Dmoralizing and Dguy to be Dmoted to Dback page.” – Ed Broadhurst.

(Ed, that’s so Dcrepit.)

And check out John Bladek’s entry: “The drunken spew and vomit of an uneasy civilization.”

The Spokane Valley man explained that the line is from an 1856 speech by Sen. Charles Sumner, R-Mass.

“It aptly describes your column on most days,” wrote Bladek, “and has the added punch of being a quote from a famous speech. You can look like you actually have read something other than rap sheets, transcripts of mayoral excuses, or other city’s catchphrases.”

Now that is the way to insult someone.

Some contestants apparently thought they were supposed to come up with a new catchphrase for Spokane.

“”I love what our city is called – ‘The Lilac City’ ” – wrote Dorothy McLarren. “I would not want it changed at all!!”

“”Spokane – Where the Crackheads and Methheads live together in Harmony” – Tom Oiland, of Spokane.

Not to be outdone, Sherry Davidson came up with a new slogan for Spokane Valley.

“”Longest strip mall west of the Mississippi.”

Some entries were just plain weird:

“”The Jolly Green Giant standing on a wet anthill” – Jim Evans.

“”Marmots stole my lunch money” – Joseph Dellwo.

Some contestants were weirdly on the same wavelength.

“”Doug Digs Dirt” – Bill London, of Moscow, Idaho.

“”Dig Doug’s Dirt” – Mike Griswold, of Spokane.

Then there was Justin Anest, whose entry arrived in the mail from the Spokane County Jail.

Anest described himself as a “jailbird here on federal drug charges.”

His catchphrase: “Doug Clark: Don’t Care. Don’t Wanna. Don’t Give A Hoot.”

That was good. But it paled in comparison to the rest of his letter. Anest explained that he was about to file another lawsuit against his keepers for excessive force. “Taser marks on my neck and all,” he added. “They’re great. I can stop the pot business and just sue the jail on a regular basis.”

I love my readers.