The Slice: 2006 will be big year for Aries

It’s kind of a pain to have to check your horoscope every day.

So astrological scientists here at The Slice Research Park have come up with a breakthrough timesaving device.

It’s a good-for-the-whole-year star chart. It is guaranteed to be as accurate as any other horoscopic tool. And you just have to look at it once.

Read on to find out what the zodiac has in store for you in 2006.

Aries (March 21-April 19): All your wildest dreams will come true. Then you’ll get bored. Watch out for yellow jackets and SUVs with Montana plates.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You will be reminded 4,567 times that life is not fair. And, yes, that outfit does make you look fat. Mayor Hession seeks your counsel.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Grocery cashiers will ask if you found everything. A chance online meeting leads to intrigue. Feral cats will try to steal your credit cards.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): S-R readers attack you in letters to the editor. But compliments from an unexpected source prompt you to revise your self-image. Someone at a family reunion will ask you to shut up.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your campaign to be named either viceroy of Spokane or dauphin of Coeur d’Alene fails to gain traction. You become convinced that a duck at Manito Park can read your mind. A Coug has an answer for you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): No witches will turn you into a chimp. But you won’t be able to keep from spouting meaningless jargon at work. Other drivers on I-90 hate your bumper stickers.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A call from a long-lost friend proves to be an embarrassing letdown for both of you. The confidence you lacked in the past continues to elude you. You’ll have dental appointments.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You decide that 2006 is the year to throw caution to the wind. An encounter with a mysterious stranger helps you make a decision. You receive an erotic e-mail that wasn’t intended for you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your decision to be brutally honest at all times makes you a pariah. Your boycott of Bloomsday and Hoopfest brings the events to their knees. You start a blog and nobody notices.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Years of financial struggles and personal frustration culminate in another year of financial struggles and personal frustration. EWU grads confide in you. Consider doing something different with your hair.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Voices in your head offer good advice. You strangle a co-worker who won’t stop talking about the NCAA basketball tournament, but no charges are filed. That hat you lost is in the trunk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Q6 news profiles you as part of its series, “Spokane’s Problems That Won’t Go Away.” Raccoons are having a party in your lake cabin even as we speak. Beg your boss to get therapy.

“Today’s Slice question: Will this be Spokane’s year?