The Slice: Tired of cute kids and cats? Well, let me have it

Before we get too far into 2006, I’d like to ask for a favor. In the interest of improving your column-reading experience, I want to gather a little feedback.

So would you take a minute and fill out the following Slice Column Customer Satisfaction Survey? It goes to 11.

All you’ll need is a pen or pencil. Then if you would be so kind as to clip it out and mail it back to me, I will share the results next Sunday.

1. The No. 1 thing that bugs me about The Slice is … A) Too many “cute kid” items. B) Too much ridiculing of behaviors that I myself engage in. C) I often have no idea what on earth Paul Turner is talking about. D) Columnist is an unapologetic baby boomer. E) I submitted something once, but it didn’t get printed. F) Other.

2. If I were in charge of The Slice, I would … A) Try not to offend anyone. B) Try harder to offend people. C) Use more material from readers. D) Use less material from readers. E) Other.

3. After my name appeared in the column one time, I… A) Heard a lot of nice comments. B) Was shunned. C) Felt I would have edited the item in question differently. D) Was asked what Paul Turner is like. E) Other.

4. I have been reading The Slice since … A) 1992. B) I moved to this area. C) I can’t remember. D) This morning. E) Other.

5. I have come to regard Paul Turner as … A) Part of the problem. B) A know-it-all jerk. C) A friend I just haven’t met in person. D) Like a sometimes annoying relative who occasionally redeems himself. E) Other.

6. It’s obvious to me that Paul Turner has … A) Lived in Spokane too long. B) Quoted everyone in my neighborhood except me. C) A thing about old TV shows. D) A short attention span. E) Other.

7. When I send an e-mail to The Slice, I usually… A) Hear back from the columnist that day. B) Wonder why he requires that I give him my phone number. C) Spend the rest of the day mentally editing my note. D) Worry that he won’t think it’s interesting. E) Other.

8. I wish The Slice was … A) Less dependent on stories about cats. B) Funnier. C) Edgier. D) Seven days a week. E) Other.

9. Compared to the rest of the paper, The Slice is… A) Breathtakingly irrelevant. B) Zeroed in on my real life. C) Home to more sentences that start with “But” or “And.” D) More juvenile. E) Other.

10. My all-time favorite Slice item was … A) So long ago I can’t remember it now. B) Something no one else in my office thought was funny. C) About a guy who sold plasma to pay for a deluxe golf cart. D) Slightly nasty. E) Other.

11. Paul Turner should try … A) Being less provincial. B) Radio. C) Setting the bar higher. D) Bran. E) Other.

That’s it. Thanks. Signing your name is optional.

“Today’s Slice question: For those who pick up after their dogs, what is the best thing about winter? The worst?