Doug Clark: Candidates, prepare your Tasers for the real Spokane

Let me extend a sympathetic salutation to the three hapless out-of-towners who have blundered into Spokane this week, each hoping to become our next police chief.

They are Roger Peterson of Rochester, Minn., Anne Kirkpatrick of Federal Way, Wash., and Seattle’s Linda Eschenfelder Pierce.

The poor souls. They remind me of those brave soldiers in the “Aliens” movie who stormed into dark tunnels on a rescue mission only to discover they had unwittingly wandered into a hive of giant acid-belching space insects.

Being outsiders, these three can’t know what they’ve stepped in. Plus they’re competing against an insider. Deputy Chief Bruce Roberts, the fourth member of Survivor Top Cop Spokane, is a veteran Lilac City lawman.

Talk about an unfair advantage.

The dude walked a beat during Expo ‘74. By now he must know where all the skeletons are buried and who took what out of the evidence room.

The visiting team disadvantage stuck out like tattoos on a nudist in our newspaper profiles.

Kirkpatrick, meaning well, I’m sure, revealed that her five “cardinal rules” of management include no sex on duty, no lying and no insubordination.

Oh, Anne, you sweet sad dreamer.

Next!

Peterson actually admitted that when his Rochester department pulls a boner – like unintentionally shooting an unarmed suspect – his policy is to apologize.

I’m sorry, Roger. You must have mistaken Spokane for that other Eastern Washington community.

Spo-Fairyland.

Pierce, I learned from her story, is passionate about ski racing, dog sledding, rowing, and riding mules. She considers Spokane a perfect fit for her professional interests as well as her affection for nature, rural living and animals.

Wonder Woman doesn’t want a chief’s job. She’s just looking for an outdoorsy location where she can train for a triathlon.

I don’t want to sound too heartless. I believe everyone – even these lost babes in the Spokane woods – deserve a fighting chance.

So I have assembled a Chief Candidates Naivety Questionnaire.

I urge Peterson, Kirkpatrick and Pierce to answer the questions honestly. (Roberts, you can sit this one out.)

Then tally your Tasers to see how well you know what you’re getting into. The more Tasers the better – just like out on the Spokane streets.

1. SPD stands for:

A. Spokane Police Department. (1 Taser)

B. Service, Pride and Dedication. (5 Tasers)

C. Secrecy, Paranoia & Deceit. (12 Tasers)

2. The proper response when arresting a flasher is:

A. “You’re under arrest!” (1 Taser)

B. “Welcome to Spokane, your honor.” (5 Tasers)

C. “What’s up, detective?” (10 Tasers)

(Double Taser count if you answered both B&C.)

3. The Spokane Shock is:

A. The city’s arena football team. (1 Taser)

B. The monthly Avista bill. (5 Tasers)

C. Cross a cop and you’ll find out. (10 Tasers)

4. Dialing 911 will:

A. Bring the police a’running. (1 Taser)

B. Bring the police like a late pizza delivery. (5 Tasers)

C. You’d be better off mailing a letter. (10 Tasers)

5. A cop caught getting rid of evidence should be:

A. Fired on the spot. (1 Taser)

B. Suspended for a day or two. (5 Tasers)

C. Congratulated for preventing a crime. (10 Tasers)

6. Riverfront Park’s garbage-eating goat:

A. Is a beloved Spokane icon. (1 Taser)

B. Teaches kids not to litter. (5 Tasers)

C. Is a fun way to get rid of evidence. (10 Tasers)

7. Cops confronting a suspect with a 2-liter bottle of pop should:

A. Unleash the dogs. (1 Taser)

B. Call for backup. (5 Tasers)

C. Remember that dead suspects tell no tales. (10 Tasers)

8. A police chief should tell the press:

A. Positive and negative department news. (1 Taser)

B. Only positive department news. (5 Tasers)

C. “Get outta my face you slimy muckrakers.” (10 Tasers)

9. Spokane is:

A. Washington’s second-largest city. (1 Taser)

B. Adam Morrison’s hometown. (5 Tasers)

C. Where strong mayors become wrong mayors. (10 Tasers)

10. An active Citizens Review Commission:

A. Helps boost police department credibility. (1 Taser)

B. Gives community members a voice in law enforcement. (5 Tasers)

C. What’s a Citizens Review Commission? (50 Tasers)