The Slice: Have questions about watching Hoopfest? Paul Turner has all the answers

Basketball isn’t the most interesting sport at Hoopfest. People-watching is. “There are a lot of pretty girls out there,” said Adam Morrison, just the other day. In fact, the annual gathering of hackers, air-ball artists and porta-potties might have become The Can’s premier opportunity to check out who’s who and what’s what.

So, just for the sake of argument, let’s assume you know how to get downtown, know to wear sunscreen, know to drink plenty of water and blah, blah, blah.

What you really need is a Spectator’s Guide to Hoopfest.

Well, The Slice’s got you covered.

Here are the answers to your real questions about this weekend’s salute to sweat.

Q: I want to stare at scantily attired members of the opposite sex, but I know that’s considered bad form. What should I do?

A: Sunglasses.

Q: How can I tell which games are going to be punctuated by fistfights?

A: It’s impossible to predict with certainty. But throbbing veins at the temple and muttered 12-letter obscenities can be tipoffs.

Q: Are there any crowd-watching contests that can make being a spectator at Hoopfest even more fun?

A: Sure. Try playing “Find the Felons,” “Most Moronic T-shirt,” “Name that Smell,” “Sorest Losers” “Let’s See if this Food Vendor ever Washes His Hands,” “Parent from Hades” and “Betcha That’s a Boob Job.”

Q: What percentage of terrible players actually think they’re pretty good?

A: About 98 percent.

Q: Is it true that “What happens at Hoopfest, stays at Hoopfest”?

A: Well, until Monday morning when laughing people at your office come up and say, “Hey, I heard about your little walk on the wild side this weekend.”

Q: Is it ever appropriate to speak of cleavage in terms of aggregate tonnage?

A: No, not really.

Q: What’s your all-time favorite Hoopfest T-shirt message?

A: “I’ve fallen and I can’t reach my beer.”

Q: Is it cool to ask for someone’s phone number while waiting in line to use the toilet?

A: It depends. But you can forget about having a “meet cute” story to tell if you two become an item.

Q: Do men who have great legs know it?

A: Yes.

Q: If I’m watching my friend’s team and I see Mr./Ms. Right walk past, am I obligated to stay at the game or can I begin stalking that person?

A: What do you think?

Q: Is it fair for a young woman to shoot me a nasty glare if I happen to glance at her for half a second and she’s wearing a tank top that’s tighter than an end-stage boa constrictor?

A: Sunglasses.

Q: Is there a chance children will hear foul language at Hoopfest?

A: Yes.

Q: What if I see my ex coming toward me?

A: There is a chance children will hear foul language at Hoopfest.

Q: What does it mean if my buddy and I are talking to a couple of hotties and one them whispers to the other “Let’s get out of the loser’s bracket”?

A: It means you are about to have an opportunity to scope out their backsides.

Q: What are some good things to shout at the players to show that I know the game?

A: You could try yelling “Hey, No. 9 — don’t ever shoot again” or “Yeah, right — blame the backboard.”

Q: If someone bumps into me, should I demand an apology?

A: First make sure you’ve still got your wallet.

Q: What’s the best answer to “Why aren’t you playing?”

A: “Groin.”

Q: What should I do if I’m trying to push my way through a packed throng and I accidentally brush my hand against someone in a way that could easily be misinterpreted?

A: Say “Excuse me.”

Q: What should I do if it’s obvious my date is developing a crush on one of the players in the game we’re watching?

A: Get all pouty and defensive.

Q: Is there any chance I’ll get a stroller rammed into my Achilles tendon?

A: First time in Spokane?

Q: What should I do if a local TV reporter wants to interview me for some adorable color piece?

A: Ask the reporter in what city he or she hopes to be working in six months.

Q: What if a reporter or photographer from the S-R approach me?

A: If a cavity search is mentioned, ask to see the journalist’s I.D.

Q: Is being a spectator at Hoopfest more like diving into an ‘80s mosh pit or more like waiting for the start of Bloomsday?

A: Actually, it’s more like being on the set of a disaster movie between takes.

Q: If I record 23 hours of video at Hoopfest, will I ever watch it all?

A: Sure. Sure you will.

Q: Should I bring my boom-box?

A: Of course. There’s always room for one more obnoxious noisemaker.

Q: Will the restaurants and stores let me use their restrooms?

A: Try to hold it. We’re almost there.

Q: How can you spot sexual tension in coed games?

A: Everyone hates gunners who keep missing. It isn’t a gender thing.

Q: What line of American poetry most precisely captures the spirit of watching Hoopfest?

A: “Sweat, wet, got it goin’ like a turbo Vette.” — Sir Mix-A-Lot

Q: Any last bit of advice for someone taking in the festivities?

A: Yes. Don’t drop your cell phone into the toilet.

Q: How do a few people manage to arrive drunk with scary dogs at noon?

A: Forget about it, Jake. It’s Spokanetown.

Q: Should there be a movie called “It Happened at Hoopfest”?

A: Sure. Lindsay Lohan could be the spunky first-time player who twists her ankle and Tobey Maguire could be the caring young doctor who helps her. With Jeremy Piven as the snarky court monitor and Craig T. Nelson as “Bud.” Spokane could play itself.

Q: What’s that on the streets?

A: That’s the Hoopfest glaze — a sticky smear of spit, spilled sports drinks, perspiration and several secret spices.

“Today’s Slice question: What was the most amazing shot you ever saw in a little-kids game at Hoopfest?