The Slice: First roll call comes with puzzled pauses

Today is Bad Names Day.

It notes the occasion of elementary school teachers getting to meet their pupils, many of whom have been saddled with utterly ridiculous names by their utterly ridiculous parents.

Sure, lots of us peruse the newspaper’s birth listings and shake our heads at “creatively” spelled monikers or totally made-up nonsense names. But eventually those kids wind up in school. And then some poor teacher has to deal with the unpronounceable mess made by misguided moms and dads.

Hence, Bad Names Day.

OK, nobody actually celebrates it – yet.

But as baby names keep getting worse, we’re nearing a tipping point. One of these years, the Tuesday after Labor Day is going to be punctuated by a loud, collective scream as grade school teachers scan class rosters that read more like signs of the apocalypse than lists of bright-eyed students.

Now if I have offended anyone, just let me say “Good!”

Parents who try to show how cool they are by sticking their kids with goofy names deserve to be mocked. I hope some of their children grow up to write tell-all books about what nutcakes their mothers and fathers were.

I’ve probably said this a hundred times now. How about allowing the child’s character and talents to define what makes him or her special, instead of acting as if a “distinctive” name can do the job.

“Unique” isn’t all that wonderful when it’s also stupid.

Near term, I’m not optimistic. Lots of dopes with appalling judgment are out there having sex. Their offspring won’t have a prayer when it comes to the name game.

But I’m counting on a trend backlash a few years down the road. When the hideously named kids of today grow up and have children of their own, I suspect we’ll see at least a partial return to more traditional appellations.

What about the present, you ask.

Well, as is so often the case when adults make a mess of things, it’s up to kids to cope with the results.

That’s why I’m hoping young people will embrace Bad Names Day and realize what they need to do.

Today is the perfect occasion for the creation of nicknames.

Even if a child’s parents failed miserably when it came to choosing a name, that same kid’s classmates can still save the day with a catchy, clever sobriquet.

I know. Not all grade-school nicknames are especially flattering. But wouldn’t you rather be stuck with a handle that’s slightly disparaging than one that’s nauseatingly pretentious?

And then there’s always the simple virtue of clarity.

No kid is ever going to have to ask another, “Hey, is that spelled Stinkee or Stehnkey?”

Today’s Slice question (for students): What changed about you over the summer?