The Slice: Still single? Don’t sweat it

This coming Sunday is the start of Unmarried and Single Americans Week.

The event, intended to salute singles and their contributions to society, is recognized by the U.S. Census Bureau.

So how should we note the occasion here in Marriedville?

Perhaps by recognizing that single people actually do exist in Spokane and by affirming that there’s not necessarily anything wrong with them.

With that in mind, The Slice wants to empower unmarried adults by offering them some bridge-building material. Next week, if you want to assert your personhood but find yourself stuck for something to say to married people, try one of the following declarations:

“When I hear you snarl at your husband on the phone, it makes me think staying single is the way to go.”

“I regard ‘family friendly’ as a warning.”

“In the unlikely event that Ms. Dream Girl from accounts receivable came up here right now and purred that she needed some hot X-rated action, I’m the only guy in our department who could accommodate her without committing adultery.”

“Stop trying to fix me up with losers. In case you hadn’t noticed, I am not a loser.”

“I don’t really blame you for making your kids the entire focus of your life. I mean, it’s not like your spouse has had the slightest interest in you for years.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way. But why would I want dating advice from someone on his third 15-round marriage?”

“Uh, two cats don’t make me ‘One of those women.’ “

“My gay friends think it’s hilarious that you suspect I’m homosexual because I’m not married.”

“What was I thinking, not realizing that living a good life depended entirely on pumping out grandchildren?”

“I’m not really trying to demonstrate lifestyle diversity. I just don’t want to hear someone else’s flatulence when I’m home.”

“Remind me to notify my adoring nieces and nephews that my being single means I don’t like kids.”

“So let me get this straight. I volunteer on about six different church and social service committees. You and your spouse guzzle beer 24/7 at your lake place or on your deck. And I’m the one who is considered an oddball in Spokane just because I’m not married?”

“Before you continue your lecture on how to land a mate, I need to tell you that your husband hit on me at the office picnic.”

“Is this Spokane or is this Stepford?”

“Insecurity is what drives so many people in Spokane to stigmatize any lifestyle that is not exactly like their own.”

“I’m amused that you think I’m selfish or super-picky because I’ve stayed single. But the truth is, no one has ever proposed.”

“The thing is, I always thought Ward and Ozzie and those guys didn’t actually lead very interesting lives.”

“I still believe in magic.”

“Today’s Slice question: If you could have dinner with anyone around here, who would it be?