The Slice: Let’s make our whines cooler

Summer is officially over.

Before you know it, Spokane residents will be complaining about the inevitable approach of winter. It’s what we do here each autumn.

The Slice has pointed out many times that this is pretty wimpy behavior for a city this far north. But I’ve changed my tune.

Now I just have one simple request.

If we are going to whine about winter, how about making it interesting at least?

Is that too much to ask?

Look, fall has just started. We have a few weeks to hone our act.

So let’s all work on trying to be slightly more entertaining in characterizing dread about cold weather creeping up on us. Enough with the same old moaning and groaning.

I’ll give you a dozen examples of what I mean. I offer these as alternatives to “Cold enough for ya?” and “Brrrrrrrr.” (After that, you’re on your own.)

1. “You know that thing where you stumble out onto the tundra and fall down and wolves appear from out the woods and rip your flesh? I hate that.”

2. “The thing that gets me is when there are only four minutes of daylight during a 24-hour period.”

3. “Why are scientists working on futuristic ceramic materials that could withstand unimaginably low temperatures when my car seat already gets colder than Pluto’s moon?”

4. “It’s important to remind teenagers standing outside in shorts when it’s freezing that they really should be smoking, too, if they want to complete the look.”

5. “If you ever wear the warmest coat you own, what do you do when it gets even colder?”

6. “I remember one time when the wind was whipping around and the snowdrifts were up to the roofline. I almost considered wearing gloves, sensible footwear and a hat.”

7. “The thing I can’t stand is when my fingers freeze off and the dogs get them.”

8. “Before I touch my spouse with my feet in bed I’m required to yell ‘CLEAR!’ “

9. “The Old Slice Almanac calls for a 50 percent chance of glaciers.”

10. “Salads were OK for summer, but soon I’ll be packing a nice blubber sandwich for lunch.”

11. “Who in the Old Testament first talked about wearing layers?”

12. “Black ice is bad, but chartreuse ice can be surreal.”

“Mythical past: The other night at Auntie’s, a woman was talking about the bookstore’s history before introducing a speaker. In noting when the establishment got its start, she got a little tongue-tied and said it opened in the year “Seventeen …”

She corrected herself and said “Nineteen seventy-eight.”

But after that, it was tempting to daydream about life back in Ye Olde Spokane.

“Today’s Slice question: What was the all-time most ridiculous 911 call?