The Slice: T. rex advice: Floss, and don’t bet on Cubs

With a life-size replica of the world’s largest Tyrannosarus rex fossil coming to town at the end of this month, The Slice wanted to check in with the original dinosaur.

So I arranged a phone interview with the T. rex named Sue at Chicago’s Field Museum. You wouldn’t believe the conversation we had.

Slice: Hi, Sue. It’s a pleasure to speak with you. How’re you doing?

Sue: Can’t complain. A little bursitis. But I’m feeling good about the White Sox this year.

Slice: Was the T. rex really as terrifying as we have been led to believe?

Sue: Look at my teeth, pal. Next question.

Slice: Any advice for kids who will be flocking to the Northwest Museum of Arts and Culture to see your replica?

Sue: Yeah. Don’t touch. And it’s not “Grrrrrr.” It’s more like “Rahrrrrrr.”

Slice: Did you ever make it over our way back when you were, uh, more ambulatory?

Sue: No, I never got to the Northwest. I hear it’s nice. Had some cousins in what is now Alberta. But I was sort of a homebody.

Slice: What’s your theory about what killed the dinosaurs?

Sue: Well, speaking just for myself, old age was an issue. Plus, I probably ate too much red meat. And when I say red, I mean red, if you catch my drift.

Slice: Um, yeah. So what have you learned over 65 million years?

Sue: Don’t lend money to friends. Floss. And don’t bet on the Cubs.

Slice: What’s it like being a prehistoric rock star?

Sue: Look, I’d be nothing without my fans. They make it all worthwhile — especially the kids.

Slice: I’ll bet the little ones can’t believe how big you are.

Sue: Sometimes, when no parent is watching, I’ll wink at ‘em. Blows their minds.

Slice: What do you miss most about the old days?

Sue: Well, I’ll tell you. I used to get a bang out of the expression on the faces of prey when they’d look up and see me. Man, that was great. Hell-ooooo! T. rex here! Ahahahahahaha.

Slice: Any regrets?

Sue: I could have been more patient with my kids. And I would have enjoyed working with Steven Spielberg.

Slice: What do you tell the Sue replica before it goes on the road to a place like Spokane?

Sue: I just say, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. And don’t forget to e-mail.”

Slice: Well, thanks for your time. Please say “Hi” to the woolly mammoth from near Spokane who resides there at your museum.

Sue: Who, Bud? That nutcake. Yeah, I’ll tell him the folks back home said hello.

“Today’s Slice question: Where in the Inland Northwest will you find the most amazing example of a “No Parking” sign in a place where it ought to be obvious that parking would not be allowed?