Doug Clark: Dr. Doug’s remedy no cure for levity syndrome

I‘ve been accused of inflicting my share of pain.*

(*For confirmation call: City Hall, prosecutor’s office, County Commission, power company, Sheriff’s Office, state patrol, editors, Brad Stark, North Idaho millionaires whose name rhymes with Raggedbone …)

But are you ready for Doug Clark, healer?

“I was very sick this morning until I read your column and I actually was cracking up out loud at the kitchen table by myself,” reported a woman in a Monday morning voice mail message.

“… And I’m no longer sick with my headache.”

Dr. Doug says turn your head and Clark.

Here’s today’s prescription: Sit back and enjoy the summer installment of Reeeaaader’s Windbaaag.

Think of this as a newsprint low colonic that allows my readers to purge the poisons from their systems without fear of being identified, verified or spied on via “perv-veillance.”

Staying abreast of the news

Jim coined the above new spin on surveillance in honor of Darin Earl Wanless, the security guard who was canned for allegedly using high-power cameras to peer into downtown condos and hotel bedrooms.

“The untold story,” added Jim, “is that he really is a highly trained member of our nation’s top-secret domestic WMD program.”

WMD program?

“Women’s Mammary Detection.”

Late-busting development

Good one, Jim. Before you go could you tell us which department WMD falls under?

“HomeGlands Security.”

A Yankee Doodle ditty

Pause now for T.K.’s Spokane “Ode to Independence Day.”

Some anarchists went to the park.

They thought they were out on a lark.

When they sat on Old Glory,

There was more than one story.

Its difference was really quite stark.

Not Karl Rove’s head?

Margaret – “Didn’t you hear what was really removed from Bush’s colon?”

Doug – “No, Margaret, what?

Margaret – “Three hanging chads.”

Bat Boy to John: Bite Meee!

John dropped a line to announce “a sad day in the history of journalism.”

Larry King’s final interview with Tammy Faye?

Nope. “Looks like you will have to stay at The Spokesman-Review as the Weekly World News is folding.”

This stinks like Tacoma aroma

What do the terms “The Can,” “Spo-tucky” and “Smoke-can” have in common?

They are some of the snarky ways West Siders refer to us. That’s according to J.S., whose wife works on the evil side of the state. J.S. wasn’t finished. He claimed there is an even more insulting word that West Siders use whenever Spokane comes up in conversation.

“Where?”

Doug Clark is ‘Lack Gourd’

A phrase you will never see in an area tourism brochure:

“Pesky Anal Love.”

That anagram for Spokane Valley was brought to you by Dave.

Tucker back in the bile bunker

Question: What does Steve Tucker think PGA stands for?

Answer: “Prosecutor’s Golf Association.”

That gratuitous chip shot was brought to you by P.T.

Some final words of titillation

Tom would like to see the following terms included in future Darin Earl Wanless uncoverage:

“Eye Pawed. Boobie Tubie. Peepers Creepers. Bloomin’ Zoom-in.”

Please. Don’t thank Tom. He’s just a humble American who wants to make an “investment in the pubic interest.”