The slice: If a poohbah makes a motion and no one’s there to hear …

Here, faithfully submitted on this 18th of August, are the minutes of the first Marmot Lodge meeting.

The session began with the marmot pledge and an invocation from the day’s chosen text, “The Days Are Just Packed,” a Calvin and Hobbes collection.

The chairman opened by noting that his failure to notify anyone of the meeting had resulted in him being the only marmot in attendance. He proposed that the rules of order be suspended.

Moved and seconded.

The scheduled guest speaker, Spokane author Jess Walter, was unable to attend as the chairman had neglected to invite him.

The first order of business was to determine the nature of the organization. To wit, is the Marmot Lodge just a bit of summertime whimsy or does it aspire to be a great social movement?

A suggestion to draft a mission statement was shouted down. (Remind me to appoint a sergeant-at-arms.)

The chairman, aka the Grand Exalted Poohbah Marmot, presented a brief report on the John Doe clubs characterized in the corny-but-sweet 1941 Gary Cooper film, “Meet John Doe.”

There was general agreement that helping your neighbors is a good thing, provided they are not too weird or annoying.

And there was broad support for the notion that the marmots should remain independent and dedicated to helping the little guy.

The chair stipulated that the Marmot Lodge movement should not, however, be based on the premise that the leader would throw himself off a tall building if things don’t go well.

Further discussion of the fraternal order’s focus was tabled, pending the inspiration provided by liquid refreshment.

A motion to amend the lodge’s bylaws was ruled out of order when it was noted that, at present, the Marmot Lodge has no bylaws.

The chairman concluded that discussion by saying that once bylaws are, in fact, established, he would move quickly to attach a “little known codicil” allowing him to place members on “double secret probation” if they showed up at meetings drenched in perfume or cologne.

The 300 charter members of the International Order of Friendly Marmots were commended in absentia for their support of the Spokane Humane Society and other area animal welfare programs.

There being no one at the meeting except the chairman, a committee to look into ordering hats and T-shirts was not formed.

A motion to impose a regular schedule of dues for active members was shouted down.

The chair asked that marmots consider a campaign designed to encourage 10,000 one-dollar donations to a worthy Spokane area nonprofit organization.

He also encouraged exploration of the establishment of a Marmot Lodge scholarship, to be awarded annually to a student who exemplifies the values of the order. Whatever those are.

The meeting was adjourned just in time to retrieve an about-to-burst bottle of beer from the lodge’s freezer.

Today’s Slice question: Were you glad you went to the reunion?