Doug Clark: City brimming with some new career options

As everybody knows by now, layoffs here at The Spokesman-Review have been hitting the newsroom like elbows to the noggin in a martial arts cage match.

So I have decided it would be a smart move for me to consider lining up a position in the government sector where a trivial concern like my lack of work ethic won’t get in the way.

Plus government workers know there’s always a paycheck rolling in. There are no worries about profit and loss like in the private sector. Government workers enjoy the stress-free life that comes with suckling from the public bazoomba.

Right now there are two intriguing openings that are ripe for a man with my lack of initiative. Trouble is, I’m having a heckuva time choosing which job to accept.

The first is the Spokane City Council vacancy District 2, Position 2.

This opening was created when Councilmember Mary Verner knifed her unsuspecting ally, Dennis Hession, in the back and usurped him as mayor.

“Et tu, Mary?”

The second opening is director of Geiger Corrections Center.

That void became available when Leon Long was given the heave over some sexual harassment beef.

The Spokane County Commission has made noise about keeping the Geiger job vacant until the Sheriff’s Office can start mismanaging the place. But I think once commissioners hear I’m in the hunt it will be:

“Welcome to Geiger, Warden Doug!”

There are obvious pluses and minuses to both jobs, but one of my biggest concerns is personal safety.

I’ve been asking myself:

Do I want to work in an environment surrounded by untrustworthy scumbags who would sell their mothers’ internal organs to the highest bidder?

Or do I want to go to Geiger?

Being overlord of a warehouse packed with convicted felons is far less smarmy than sitting on the council – even with Brad Stark on the way out.

But a huge drawback is that I’ve actually been to Geiger. Shabby doesn’t begin to describe this rundown excuse for a penal institution. Geiger makes the Otis Hotel look like the Davenport’s penthouse suite.

Say what you will about City Hall, but at least the crooks smell better and have business cards.

On paper, the council position doesn’t seem like a good move.

It’s a part-time job that pays $18,000 a year. But when you figure in the untaxed intangibles (payoffs, bribes, junkets, free Internet porn …) a council seat is worth its weight in graft.

The Geiger professional standards appeal to me. Or rather the lack of professional standards.

Under Long’s direction, Geiger clocked more checkouts than a seedy East Sprague motel with hourly rates. Inmates were jumping the fence like kangaroos trying to out hop a bush fire.

Yet, incredibly, Long wasn’t canned for the escapes. It was the harassment complaint and other sundry grievances that did him in.

The public won’t have to worry about any of that stuff with me. Virtue is my middle name.

But when it’s all said and done, I believe the council vacancy is the way to go for one reason:

Cable TV.

Let’s face it. I’m a performer. With regular exposure from televised council meetings, I’m sure to become the next Rachael Ray.

She made it big on the Food Channel with her 30 Minute Meals.

I could attract the same kind of following on Channel 5 with Councilman Clark’s 30-Second Deals.

Sample:

Contractor: “I’d like to submit my proposal for building a 1,200-unit condo project around the duck pond at Manito Park.”

Coucilman Clark: “As Donald Duck would say, ‘Slip me some cash and I’ll take a quack at it.’ “

Yessiree. It’s the City Council for me. Except that while looking over the application requirements I saw something really depressing.

No, it’s not the residency requirement. It’s the part that says all candidates must come up with three references.

Damn. Guess I’ll try to keep my day job.