Doug Clark: They work hard for their reputations, so tip right

Tipping service providers during the holidays is as important as giving gifts to friends and loved ones.

That’s the message contained in the PR Web Newswire press release I received Wednesday.

” ‘Tis the Season to say Thank You – With the Right Tip,” stated the bold headline.

The release outlined a number of appropriate rewards for the people who give us “service and support throughout the year.”

For example, the cost of one appointment is a traditional tip for a hairstylist.

I’d buy my barber a Porsche if she could get my bald dome to grow hair.

“One evening’s or one day’s pay” is a suitable tip for a baby sitter, according to the release.

That sounds about right. Unless dirty diapers are involved. Then you’d have to tip me a gold Rolex.

Some professions, like mail carriers, can’t accept money.

For an uptight postal worker, however, nothing says you care like a gratis gallon of Scotch.

Guess you’d call that tippling.

Anyway, the press release wasn’t specific enough to be of much help to those of us who live in our red neck of the woods.

Our needs are earthier. For example, my sweet mother told me she’d like to tip one of her yard workers – with a portable toilet. The idea came to her one day when she gazed out a window and saw the dude taking a whiz in her backyard.

That gives a whole new meaning to the term, “garden weasel.”

In that spirit, I have prepared Doug’s Guidelines for Holiday Tipping.

1. Spokane City Council. Half the cost of your last bribe is the customary way to thank a council member.

Unless, that is, we’re talking about outgoing Councilman Brad Stark. In which case a swift kick to the seat of the pants is ample reward for disservices rendered.

2. Federal law enfarcers. Cash is also not allowed when it comes to tipping the local G-Men.

But a small, meaningful gift is permissible.

I suggest a bottle of NoDoz for each FBI agent and deputy U.S. marshal who was asleep at the switch Tuesday and allowed a convicted bank swindler to waltz out of court without being arrested.

3. School bus drivers. How do we thank those tireless yellow bus chauffeurs who ferry our children to and from school?

Two ideas: Ear plugs. Air fresheners.

4. Downtown panhandlers. Handing over your watch is a practical tip only if the street thug confronting you has a knife.

Be sure to accompany your gift with the words: “Oh, God. Please. Don’t kill me.”

5. East Sprague hookers. The rule of thumb for these venereal – sorry, I meant venerable – service workers is to tip half the standard price of a (bleep!) Make that the full price if you add on a (bleep-bleep!)

Note: In the event of disease, save the tip for your urologist.

6. Paul Wulff. Washington State University’s new football coach hasn’t done anything yet, so no gratuity is required. Besides, college coaches are forbidden from accepting cash gifts unless the money comes from rich anonymous booster club members or sneaker company representatives.

In lieu of a tip, I recommend giving Wulff a few words of advice: “Win. Or wind up like Doba.”

7. Mall Santas. Never insult a shopping center Santa with milk and cookies. That’s sooo cliché.

After sitting with crying brats on his lap all day, St. Nick would much rather have a spray bottle of that “as seen on TV” miracle product, Urine Gone!

Plus a handful of Quaaludes.

8. Priests, Scout Leaders, Camp Counselors … No money is necessary. These people are servants, after all. A sincere handwritten note inside a card will suffice:

Thank you for not touching my no-no spot.