Doug Clark: Want to be a county hotshot? Take the test

The open seat on the Spokane County Civil Service Commission is drawing more action than a busload of retirees to a casino buffet on seafood night.

There’s no mystery. The commission’s recent ruling to reverse the firing of a barista-flashing cop has citizen do-gooders all fired up with the notion of turning the commission into something the public won’t laugh at.

We can’t have that.

Underachievement is the hallmark of Spokane-area government. If some board of volunteers suddenly starts behaving responsibly, well, it just makes the elected officials look even more inept than they are.

Overachievers must be weeded out. To that end I have created the Applicant Aptitude Exam with a patented espresso-shot scoring system.

Answer the questions honestly. Scoring fewer than 15 espresso shots proves you’re too qualified for public service. Withdraw your application immediately.

Score 35 shots or more? Now we’re talking! You’re definitely Civil Service Commission material.

Any applicants who nail a perfect 50, however, don’t belong on the commission. They should run for mayor.

1. The Civil Service Commission is …

A. A board free from political influence. (1 espresso shot)

B. As influential as a belch in a hurricane. (3 espresso shots)

C. Spokane County’s version of Clown College. (5 espresso shots)

2. I’m applying for the Civil Service Commission because …

A. I am committed to the betterment of Spokane County. (1 espresso shot)

B. Somebody said something about free donuts. (3 espresso shots)

C. I need the community service hours as a condition of my probation. (5 espresso shots)

3. Baring one’s genitalia to a barista is …

A. An automatic firing offense. (1 espresso shot)

B. Assault with a dead weapon. (3 espresso shots)

C. The way you order that new “grande groinniato” drink at Starbucks. (5 espresso shots)

4. Based on the board’s recent reversal, being a Civil Service commissioner requires …

A. A working knowledge of the law. (1 espresso shot)

B. Occasional psychotic outbursts. (3 espresso shots)

C. The IQ of a coffee bean. (5 espresso shots)

5. How many Civil Service commissioners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One if the member can follow instructions. (1 espresso shot)

B. Two or three if they can work together as a team. (3 espresso shots)

C. None. Like all self-important governmental bodies around here, we prefer to work in the dark. (5 espresso shots)

6. Appointing a woman to the Civil Service Commission would …

A. Be a way to give the board a gender balance. (1 espresso shot)

B. Be no big deal if she can make coffee. (3 espresso shots)

C. Be even better if she’s hot. (5 espresso shots)

7. Would you be willing to take a drug test as a requirement for joining the Civil Service Commission?

A. Absolutely. I have nothing to hide. (1 espresso shot)

B. No way. Drug tests are a civil rights buzz kill. (3 espresso shots)

C. All right. Just give me a day or two for the peyote to wear off. (5 espresso shots)

8. Which TV show best fits the Civil Service Commission?

A. “Law & Order.” (1 espresso shot)

B. “Deal or No Deal.” (3 espresso shots)

C. “Lost.” (5 espresso shots)

9. I am qualified to be a Civil Service commissioner because my personal values mirror the Spokane area …

A. All of the time. (1 espresso shot)

B. All of the time except during Happy Hour. (3 espresso shots)

C. All the time if you don’t count my bicycle rides through High Bridge Park. (5 espresso shots)

10. For a seat on the Civil Service Commission, I will stop hitting on …

A. The bottle. (1 espresso shot)

B. The bong. (3 espresso shots)

C. The barista. (5 espresso shots)