Doug Clark: The new year’s shaping up, and the windbag chugs on

Happy Nude Year, taco lovers!

January always feels so pure and pristine. It must be like the way the Spo-Crapola River was before it became a poo-and-fire-retardant cocktail.

Speaking of effluent, let’s christen 2007 with the latest installment of Reeeaaader’s Windbaaag.

This is the ongoing soap opera that allows my army of zombie warriors to sound off without fear of being identified, verified or vilified as “disgusting fat pigs” by Donald Trump.

I’ll have a South of the Border plate

Wayne knows I relish tales of “naked and weirdness.”

So he left me an extended voice mail message regarding the fast-food flasher he and his wife witnessed while going through the drive-through line at a Spokane Taco Bell.

“I swear to you,” said Wayne. She was “completely stark naked, running around, going through the trash cans.”

Holy guacamole!

“The poor Taco Bell employees were trying to hide behind the counter.” People from a hotel across the street were gazing “into the windows of Taco Bell at this naked woman.”

Police, added Wayne, arrived within minutes to bust the nacho nudist.

Note to self: Eat more Mexican food in 2007.

Sounds more like Traitor Joe’s

Tina has returned from Seattle with shocking news on why Trader Joe’s won’t be opening a Spokane outlet.

Learning Tina and her husband were from Coeur d’Alene, a checker at the popular neighborhood market told them that “Spokane was marked OFF the list to get a Trader Joe’s because … ‘it is not visually appealing.’ “

She has the council pegged

Claiming she moved to the Lilac City from “bigger, better places,” Georgie believes she has the background needed to rewrite our lame city motto:

Spokane. Where Meatheads Meet.

“That basically says it all, don’t you think?”

Welcome to Curl-up-and-Dieville

Once again, we’re thumping the civic slogan drum. Richard proves Spokane’s “Near Nature. Near Perfect” tagline is near-genius by drawing my attention to the slogan that appears on the Springdale community newsletter:

“Where yesterday has a home.”

Can’t spell funeral without f-u-n

Concerned reader W.C. posed the following questions:

1. Why did employees of Spokane County (and other local government agencies) need the Ford funeral day off?

2. Did they fly to D.C. for the service or did they have fun on their day off?

Dems dopey and diabolical, too

Don apparently thinks I have a political agenda. At least, that’s what I gather from his question:

“Does having the Democrats in power cramp your alliterative style?”

So many victims, so little time

Speaking of hate mail, Katie doesn’t waste any ink mincing words.

“It’s people like you who give columnists a bad name,” she wrote.

“You make me sick and you should apologize to the people you embarrassed.”

Your check’s in the mail, Jeff

Oh, yeah, Katie. Well take a gander at this:

“You make me laugh, you make me mad. And, yes, you have made me cry,” wrote Jeffrey. “You are wonderful. Please keep up the GREAT job you do!”

Don’t need divinity for this truth

Pat Robertson made news recently by saying God told him a “mass killing” of biblical proportion was headed our way.

But why, wondered Tom, should a televangelist be the only one with a pipeline to the Almighty?

“What the hell,” wrote Tom, “…why not me?”

So Tom said he dialed up the Big G, seeking an answer to his question. And sure enough, God spaketh unto Tom:

“Pat Robertson is a nut.”