Doug Clark: Columns will stay course of cutting and punning

It’s moaning in America, cynical citizens.

In a few hours, George W. Bush – our tongue-tied commander in chief – will begin his annual State of the Union address and try to sell the country on the merits of troop buildup or nuking Iran.

But there’s still time before the president forces us to grab the remote and seek comfort in “Everybody Loves Raymond” reruns. Please allow me a moment to deliver my first State of the Column column.

THESE are dank dark days, my fellow Spokanians.

Our long and enjoyable streak of public figures behaving badly is under attack by an insidious new crop of leaders who preach diabolical doctrines like …

Responsibility and – even worse – candor.

We all know what would happen if government employees resisted graft or stopped dropping trou, don’t we?

I’d be stuck having to write syrupy, navel-gazing dreck on topics like “the miracle of the tufted titmouse” or “hot chocolate – winter’s antidote to a frosty day.”

The enemies don’t give a rip about the big picture, like my career. And nowhere is this column cancer more present than at the Spokane Police Department, always one of my go-to places for cheap laughs.

New chief Anne Kirkpatrick recently issued a memo called “Workplace Expectations and Standards of Conduct.” In it she gives her troops a list of marching orders, such as:

“Do your work.

“Speak and treat each other in a respectful manner.

“No harassing or bullying behavior.

“No abuse of authority.

“No conduct unbecoming …

Anne, you’re killing me.

The chief even has this crazy edict against “pot stirring.”

Personally, I’m a huge fan of police pot stirring. Especially when the pot’s stirred into cookies that were munched last summer by an off-duty SPD officer at a Tool concert.

Things are almost as grim at the Spokane County Sheriff’s Office. Newly elected Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich appears to be fulfilling his campaign promise of openness. The gall.

Information on crimes is easier to obtain. Ozzie has even started a Web site that lets the public see who’s in jail.

Too bad the sheriff didn’t go a step further and put Webcams in the jail. Then the public could tune in day or night and watch prisoners at play.

That’s right. I’m talking about Cellivision.

All is not lost. We did recently have an enjoyable story about the hapless mook in a minivan who, after being rear-ended by a sheriff’s deputy, got cited for driving with no insurance.

But as long as we’re on the subject of disappointments: There hasn’t been a decent escape at Geiger Corrections Center in months. This is an outrage and I demand answers.

And what in the sacred name of Eugster has happened to the Spokane City Council?

This gang was once zanier to watch than a big time wrasslin’ cage match. Today’s council is as lackluster as a convention of lobotomy patients.

Even Bob Apple, who once made headlines for not stocking toilet paper in the restrooms at his Hillyard saloon, isn’t worth snickering at anymore.

True, Mayor Dennis Hession has made it his mission to turn City Hall into the City Hall of Smoke and Mirrors.

But Hession, alas, is no Jim West.

I, however, am not one to give up easily.

I have been ranting since 1984, more than 3,000 columns and counting. I have seen reformers come and reformers implode. It is only a matter of time before public servants revert to being public serpents.

It’s in their nature. History is on my side.

What I’m saying, my fellow Spokanians, is have courage.

There will be no end of folly. Scandal is always a misstep away.

And so I leave this State of the Column column with a solemn vow. No matter what happens, I will not be lured onto the high road.

This columnist will stay the coarse!