The Slice: You’re all invited to … oh, nevermind

‘Tis the season for theoretical parties.

You know, the kind you talk about throwing but eventually decide against.

Sure, that happens all year. But there’s something about summer that makes the prospect of hosting social gatherings especially inviting.

Maybe it’s the idea that you won’t have to go nuts tidying up because most of the action will be outdoors. Or it could be that warm weather is simply conducive to visualizing get-togethers that are fun and relaxed instead of claustrophobic and weird.

In any event, theoretical parties almost always seem like a blast.

You picture yourself out by the grill in your flattering floral-print shirt. You are laughing. Your friends are laughing. Jollity and mirth reign.

Everyone is having fun. Everybody is getting along. People are praising your yard furniture and taste in music. And the happy faces seem to say that you — the evening’s congenial host — are the indispensable catalyst for letting the good times roll.

Try to stay humble.

OK, maybe that vision doesn’t resemble any bash you have actually hosted. But when it comes to theoretical parties, optimism about the next time can burn brighter than a Tiki torch.

In the throes of giddy anticipation, everything seems perfect. You can almost hear the sincere raves for the food. You can practically feel the cool spray as your hilarious anecdotes produce beery spit-takes. You imagine people proclaiming you Mr./Ms. Synergy when individuals from different parts of your life come together and hit it off. Maybe your creative guest list even manages to launch a romance or two.

“Thank you for inviting me! I think you might have changed my life.”

Planning the theoretical party can be highly entertaining.

Should you have a theme? Woodstock Plus 38? The Elvis Deathiversary? Sasquatch Convention?

Hire a child-wrangler? Book a band?

And on and on.

But then something happens. That dependable Spokane ability to see the glass as half-empty kicks in.

What if the best people can’t come because they will be on vacation or at the lake? What if it’s 110 degrees that day? What if you inexplicably find yourself strangling your cherished co-worker’s knuckledragger husband? What if the toilet does that thing again?

Suddenly the theoretical fete starts looking like an all-too-real disaster.

“On second thought, maybe not,” you hear yourself saying.

In a way, that’s too bad. After all, theoretical parties never produce those unexpected moments that become legendary.

Of course, on the other hand, they are pretty easy to clean up after.

“Today’s Slice question: Of all the places you have called home, where would you rank the Inland Northwest when it comes to hearing the sound of crickets after dark?