Doug Clark: Summer would be bummer without the usual weirdness

Let us pause a moment to ponder what makes summer in Spokane so special.

Is it the cheery sounds of birds a’warbling?

Could it be the happy buzzing of bees like that swarm that recently tried to construct a condo on City Hall?

(Personally, I think we should have let the bees stay and run things awhile. Bees are quite industrious as compared to, say, those lazy cockroaches we elected.)

No, my friends, it is none of these. What makes summer in Spokane so special can be summed up in one word:

Scandalous and shocking news.

Consider a few examples from summers yore.

“Federal judge drops trousers in Riverfront Park.

“Tourists dry-roasted while stuck on gondola ride.

“Raw sewage turns Spokane River into Old Man Liver.

“Sheriff’s dick given boot after baring it to barista.

If our civic boosters at the Convention and Visitors Bureau were smart, they’d immediately launch a new tourism campaign that highlights our most prominent feature:

”Summer in Spokane: We’ve Got Our Weird On.”

We’re barely past Memorial Day and already there are signs that this could be another summer of note.

News Nugget 1: “A man who had what he said was an explosive device in his pants pocket was arrested…”

Sheriff’s officials busted Lloyd L. Gabel, a suspected bomb maker, near his mobile home west of Spokane.

After the man was handcuffed, the device was cut out of the 51-year-old’s pants.

Frankly, a mobile home strikes me as a very irresponsible place to make explosives.

Look what tornados do to trailer parks.

Now imagine what one dropped Marlboro ash in the gunpowder would do.

They’d be picking up scraps of aluminum siding from here to Pasco.

News Nugget 2: “A state bar association hearing officer is recommending Steve Eugster be disbarred for his handling of a case involving a Stevens County widow.”

Speaking of explosive situations.

I don’t want to dive into the tedious legal details. I don’t know who’s right or wrong.

But does this hearing officer have any inkling what forces he is tampering with?

This is Steve Sue-gster we’re talking about.

This guy has hung more suits than Men’s Wearhouse.

He doesn’t get mad. He gets litigious.

Eugster had lawsuits going against the city while he was sitting on the City Council. What did he do after losing a County Commission primary? He filed a lawsuit to have the election invalidated.

What I’m saying is, don’t mess with Tortzilla.

Continue this disbarment madness and – mark my words – Eugster will have every Washington resident served by August.

News Nugget 3: “Spokane police are investigating a city firefighter-paramedic for theft of prescription medications …”

Holy hoses. Not the Fire Department again.

Last year we were scandalized by a firefighter who took firehouse porn photos of a 16-year-old girl he met on the Internet.

Now comes this as-yet-unnamed firefighter who apparently OD’d while on duty.

My heart goes out to anyone caught in the spider web of addiction (or whatever else might be going on).

But as a hysterical member of the public, I’m horrified by the notion of a civil servant too drug-zonked to protect me.

What if a fire broke out? What if there was a bad car accident?

What if – god, forbid – a mobile home suddenly blows like Mount St. Helens?

Speaking of which, I leave you with a question:

Hey, Lloyd, is that a grenade in your pocket, or are you hoping for a date to the policeman’s ball?