The Slice: We Marmots must stand together

Maybe what Spokane needs is a vibrant new fraternal organization.

With that in mind, I’ve been thinking of forming the Marmot Lodge.

Based loosely on the Raccoon Lodge made famous by Jackie Gleason and Art Carney in “The Honeymooners,” this group’s official name could be the International Order of Loyal Marmots or the International Order of Friendly Sons and Daughters of the Marmots.

The exact name would be less important than our mission: “To identify ways in which Spokane is screwed up and figure out what to do about it while enjoying adult beverages.”

There would be bylaws, officers, arcane rites, modest dues and Marmot hats. Members would address one another as “Brother Marmot” or “Sister Marmot.”

We would have an oath and a secret handshake.

Leaving your cell phone on during meetings would earn you the designation “roadkill.”

Our motto, again borrowing from “The Honeymooners,” would be “E Pluribus Marmot.”

OK, I realize fraternal orders have not exactly thrived in recent decades. But I ask you this: Are you satisfied with the amount and quality of fellowship you currently experience? Probably not.

I also understand that Spokane has no shortage of civic-minded groups and worthwhile volunteering opportunities.

But the Marmot Lodge would be different. We wouldn’t just talk about Spokane’s problems. No, we’d talk about them and then talk about them some more.

Did I mention enjoying adult beverages?

As founder, I would retain certain rights and privileges. Among those would be the right to fine members one dollar per meeting for being pretentious or boring or otherwise getting on my nerves. The money collected would go toward one of the Marmots’ many charitable undertakings.

We would support programs that benefit children, animals and the arts.

We Marmots might not solve all of Spokane’s problems overnight, but we would certainly insist on designated drivers.

Watch this space for your membership application form.

“Slice answer: According to informed sources, this area’s biggest hand-washing nag just might be 7-year-old Zane Chamberlain.

“He is always aware of your commitment to cleanliness after using the restroom, and he has been this way since he was about 2,” wrote his mother.

Zane has been known to pin his little brother to the bathroom floor and not let him up until the younger boy pledges to do a better job of washing his hands.

“Warm-up question: In Spokane, is it easier or harder for underage members of racial minorities to get away with using someone else’s I.D. card?

“Today’s Slice question: What ridable figure ought to be added to the Riverfront Park carrousel?