The Slice: Pretty soon it’ll start thinking it’s our boss

The elevators in the Review Tower started speaking this week.

They have a feminine voice. I suspect it’s the sister of the Phone Mail Lady.

First it was self-flushing urinals. Now this.

So far, the elevators say only mundane things such as “Going up” or “Fourth floor.”

But maybe their repertoire will be expanded. With that in mind, let’s get to the point.

Today’s Slice question: What would you really like to hear a talking elevator say?

A. “Warp 5 … engage!” B. “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” C. “My name is Talking Tina.” D. “I’ve wrestled with reality for 35 years, doctor, and I’m happy to state I finally won out over it.” E. “C’mere, porcupine.”

F. “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” G. “Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays.” H. “This isn’t ‘Nam, Smokey, this is bowling. There are rules.” I. “You beat everything. You know that?” J. “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.”

K. “What are you doing, Dave?” L. “Who are those guys?” M. ” ‘To Serve Man,’ it’s … it’s a cookbook!” N. “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?” O. “Come on, get happy!”

P. “Take your stinkin’ paws off me, you damn dirty ape.” Q. “I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.” R. “Today I settle all family business.” S. “You’re gonna be hanging on for mercy when I get this sucker rollin’.” T. “I’m not saying we won’t get our hair mussed.”

U. “Is it safe?” V. “Come on over, baby, whole lotta shakin’ going on.” W. “How long before you can make the jump to light speed?” X. “Head ‘em up, move ‘em out.” Y. “I’d turn back if I were you.” Z. “Stand in the place where you live.”

OK. You can take your time mulling those choices. But now, what would you want to say to a talking elevator – assuming the elevator in question was also willing to listen.

A. “Open the pod bay doors, HAL.” B. “I’m standing here until you make me move.” C. “Set me free, why doncha babe.” D. “Please release me, let me go.” E. “Slow down, baby, now you’re movin’ way too fast.”

F. “Watch me walkin’ … walkin’ out the door.” G. “Don’t speak.” H. “Nudge nudge, say no more.” I. “Don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder.” J. “Let’s get it on.”

K. “Baby, please, go all the way.” L. “Shut up, baby.” M. “Get on uppa.” N. “Me babe, steppin’ out.” O. “I got your number on the wall.”

P. “Your love keeps liftin’ me.” Q. “Girl, we couldn’t get much higher.” R. “Don’t let it bring you down.” S. “You’re on your way up, buddy boy.” T. “I’m high on you.”

U. “We’re caught in a trap. I can’t walk out.” V. “Fly me to the moon.” W. “Take me to the river.” X. “Hello, walls. How’d things go for you today?” Y. “Steppin’ out, with my baby.” Z. “You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain.”