Doug Clark: Reading between the signs

Once again we are caught in the Venus flytrap of another political season.

Already candidates are on the campaign trail, debating the issues, offering thoughtful solutions to our problems and defiling the scenery with annoying “vote for me” signs.

I think the signage eyesore factor is the real reason why politicians are universally regarded on a par with gerbil droppings.

It’s not the graft and malfeasance that occurs once they slink into office.

Naw, we’d all do that stuff, too. It’s that candidates get a free pass on breaking the litter laws.

Throw a Tootsie Roll wrapper out a car window and you’re staring at a big fine.

Run for office and you can clutter the landscape at will.

But this is the way the American system works. And to politically astute experts – namely me – these signs offer windows into a candidate’s character and personality.

I’ve spent literally minutes studying the campaign signs of Spokane’s three mayoral hopefuls: incumbent Dennis Hession, Mary Verner and Al French.

I will now give you my conclusions and offer the candidates some helpful ideas for improvement.

DENNIS HESSION: The mayor’s campaign sign is a no-nonsense blue background with white text and red accents.

Voters may believe this is a patriotic color scheme derived from the flag.

Not all all. Hession’s sign is actually a mirror of his wardrobe: dark blue suit, crisp white shirt and red tie.

And that’s what he wears to the beach.

Hession is one buttoned-down dude, all right. But the sartorial formality has translated into impressive support from the city’s “filthy rich stiffs” faction.

Mayor Hession has already out-raised his opponents about a bazillion to one in campaign donations, with most of the money being trucked into his campaign headquarters at night from the Avista Corp.

Helpful suggestion: Hession should play up his power company connection even more. I suggest a new campaign sign that shows a blacked-out light bulb accompanied by an easy-to-understand threat:

“Retain Mayor Hession or the lights go off.”

MARY VERNER: The only woman in the race, Verner, a council member, has adopted a mostly red sign with her name in white and a blue outline of a bridge.

I think we all know what this means. Mary Verner has what it takes to lead Spokane across the Monroe Street Bridge back into the safer 20th century.

I like this time machine approach.

The problem is that a good deal of Verner’s sign shows the bridge’s underbelly. That, in my mind, is a wasted effort at outreach.

True, there are some scruffy people living underneath the Monroe Street Bridge. But I’m pretty certain these folks are more interested in avoiding warrants and are not registered voters.

Makeover suggestion: As a colleague noted, Mary Verner comes across as the pleasant aunt a kid would want to visit during summer vacation. Sweet and sunny, Verner would let you stay up late to watch your favorite TV shows and teach you how to play cribbage.

Verner should exploit this wholesome image. I suggest a new sign that features a big yellow smiley face followed by: “Elect Mayor Mary. Have a Cookie.”

AL FRENCH: Also a city councilman, French’s campaign sign bears the message “real leadership” as opposed to the unreal leadership of, say, anyone who is not Al French.

The sign’s color scheme may have been intended to follow the traditional red, white and blue pattern of Old Glory. Unfortunately, there appears to have been a horrible error at the paint factory.

To me, French’s placard looks more like red, white and green, which are…

The colors of the Italian flag.

But could this be by design? Could candidate French’s Italian sign be trying to send the voters a subliminal message that Al French would be a mayor without borders?

Makeover suggestion: Drop out of the race and make some real money running Al’s Soufflé Pizzeria.

Bon appetit!